song titles that LIE: special beatles edition

This edition of

Song Titles That LIE

is devoted to the lyingest LIARS of all, the Beatles. You can fuddle our minds with your Rock Band, rob us even blinder with your remasters (stereo and mono) . . . but Evil is watching you, Beatles. Both here and in the hereafter. There is no escape. Herewith.

“I’m Happy Just to Dance With You” (A Hard Day’s Night): Come on. Come on. We’ve heard all the blather about “a more innocent time”, but even in 1964, no guy was happy “just” to dance with a woman. Unless “dance” was a euphemism for acts of incredible naughtiness in ’64? Baby Boomers, let us know!

“Everybody’s Trying To Be My Baby” (Beatles For Sale): This might be less of an outright LIE than a cruel joke on a bandmate. I mean, you could see this being at least somewhat plausible had John sang it, maybe Paul . . . but to hand over lead-singing duties for this song to Ringo? Informal polling indicates that less than 7% of “everybody” has ever shown any interest in being Ringo’s baby. So, what? Were the other guys still hazing poor Ringo by album four?

“All You Need Is Love” (Magical Mystery Tour): As an iconic figure to so many young people in the ’60s, John Lennon should be pilloried for such a recklessly irresponsible song. How many stoned Beatles-worshippers starved, thirsted, or suffocated to death after taking in and believing this song? You need more than love, people. The average human can only survive two weeks without food, two days without water, and about four minutes without air. But love? Pfff. The Evil has gone entire months without being overwhelmed by his crippling need to be loved by everyone on the planet.

“You Never Give Me Your Money” (Abbey Road): If you’re anything like the Evil, you drove to the record store, picked up this album, purchased it, returned to your car with a happy spring in your step . . . and then flipped it over, read the track listing, came upon this title, this LIE, and retched. Then stormed back into the store, demanded your money back, were rebuffed, began shrieking at the top of your lungs, and were finally tasered. Just . . . just for them to so blatantly mock you with their LIE . . . it’s inconceivable.

“We Can Work It Out” (Double A-Side with “Day Tripper”): Also known as “the customer’s revenge for the mockery of ‘You Never Give Me Your Money.’” We can work it out, can we? Ahem. Allow the Evil to direct you to 1971 and Mr. McCartney’s lawsuit aiming at the dissolution of the Beatles. You can LIE to everyone, Beatles. Even to yourself. But it won’t save you.