we share 99% of our DNA with them. all they share with us in return . . . is PAIN.

This month our sister publication, The National Geographic, examines the furor over one anthropologist’s apparent discovery that female chimps are crafting spears. They then jab these spears into tree stumps for bush babies—tiny, delicious primates. It seems that, to many of her fellow scientists, this crosses the line from “Isn’t it cool how they’re our closest living relatives?” to “What’s so special about humans, anyway?” Their logic being, I suppose: If chimps are forging weapons, what makes the Mona Lisa such a big screaming deal?

To an extent, I agree with that sentiment. We’ve already lost a lot to our chimp cousins. Maybe too much.

Like what? you ask. How about face-to-face sex? That used to be ours and ours alone until we caught Bonobos going at it missionary-style.

But at least that’s something they were apparently doing on their own. What I don’t get is . . . why the fuck are we teaching them Kung Fu?

Fun fact, people: the average male chimp is FIVE TIMES stronger than a human male. Haven’t we read enough horror stories about rampaging chimps ripping the faces off their human keepers? Do we need to be teaching them advanced combat techniques?

And now, on top of this, lady chimps are manufacturing spears?

You know, it’s not a big intellectual leap . . . Mrs. Chimpington finishes her spear, scratches her ass, considers throwing some poo, and then thinks: “Wait . . . what if, instead of chucking a lump of my fecal matter, I hurl this newly-sharpened stick at that anthropologist over there and see what happens? I say, she seems to be bleeding profusely. I rather think she’d taste better than a bush baby.”

Look: in these tormented times, we have plenty to fear from each other. No one needs the additional terror of spear-wielding chimps trained in hand-to-hand combat. Raise your hands if you disagree.

Oops—look: you raised your hand and that unseen ninja chimp ripped your arm off. Now he’s beating your girlfriend to death with it while a chimpette hurls spears into your abdomen.

Happy now?


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