validating your degenerate lifestyle, one vice at a time

Drink this or one day a crane will have to lift you out of your house.

Here’s a link to a Men’s Health article, “6 Fat-Melting Food Swaps”. Why did I read this article? Um . . . well, it’s a little embarrassing, but the National Evil has been kind of—no gentle way to put this—nagging me about a few extra pounds. Says she can feel the weight of my fat fingers with every letter I type. Turned into a pretty big fight last night. Slept on the couch.

And so I noticed this article and am presenting it to you in case you have your own National Evil simultaneously tempting you and cursing you for succumbing to temptation. There’s a prize at the end, I promise.

So. First thing I notice, which sends my mouse-arrow flying for the X-out “close window” nubbin, is this writer’s recommendation for how one should eat pizza. Don’t eat the Pizza Hut plain slice of cheese pizza on a thin crust, silly—eat the Domino’s version.

Why do health experts start this way—from the baseline of a slice of no-topping, bread-as-thin-and-tasteless-as-corrugated-cardboard pizza? I mean, sure, I imagine this slice is healthier than the thick-crust, meat-lover’s, cheese-injected slice most of us would actually go for. I could also probably lose more weight jabbing a ballpoint pen repeatedly into my stomach than watching Seinfeld reruns. Whoopdee-damn-do.

It’s always like that: Eat the hamburger without bacon, cheese, or condiments—that’s right, just a flaccid lukewarm patty and a slice of lettuce—and you can save 100 calories! Add that up over a year and you’ll lose four pounds! (Actually more, since you’d have committed suicide after about six weeks and been decomposing for eight months.)

Just as I prepared to X this garbage out of my life, though, I noticed one thing. A small victory, no doubt—but, as the National Evil would say, it’s the only small thing about me.

Beer

Drink This: Guinness Draught

125 calories

10 g carbohydrates

Not That! Sierra Nevada Pale Ale

175 calories

15 g carbohydrates

Save 50 calories a beer!

I will, thank you! And do already, maybe once or twice a week—happy hours, weekends—but starting today, no excuses, I’m ramping it up to a full seven. I plan on saving two or three hundred calories a day thanks to this article. What do you know—some of these experts aren’t so stupid after all.

Enjoy the weekend. If possible, buy me a Guinness.

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