The man who puts the “X” in Texas.
Back when the National Evil used to party with Roger Clemens at Jose Canseco’s house, it was well known that Clemens didn’t earn his nickname “The Rocket” on the baseball diamond. But, lordy! We didn’t know he was blasting off into a 15-year-old Mindy McCready!
. . . Or so claims the New York Daily News here in an article featuring a line of such manifest stupidity we can only hope it becomes the template for all future allegations regarding Clemens’ behavior:
There aren’t many things that America likes less than a cheating ballplayer, but a man who cheats on his family with an underage girl is no doubt one of them.
Here at the Evil, we’re openly campaigning for Clemens to up the nefarious ante in hopes of reading such statements as:
There aren’t many things that America likes less than a cheating ballplayer, but a man who forces his son to dance about in a tutu at family Thanksgivings is no doubt one of them.
There aren’t many things that America likes less than a cheating ballplayer, but a man who repeatedly defecates in the Lincoln Memorial’s lap is no doubt one of them.
There aren’t many things that America likes less than a cheating ballplayer, but a man who marshals an army of flamethrower-equipped chimps to hold the U.N. Security Council hostage for 48 hours is no doubt one of them.
And so on.
Additionally, in the spirit of not dooming ourselves to the pressure cooker in which the Rocket now swims, the National Evil freely confesses to using Performance Enhancing Blogging Drugs (PEBDs or, in the slang of the seedy blogging underworld, “peabodies”).
Also, we put the bomp in the bomp bah bomp bah bomp. But we did NOT put the ram in the rama lama ding dong, and we categorically deny any involvement whatsoever in the bop shoo bop shoo bop. (Our legal team has advised us to take the Fifth as regards the dip da dip da dip.)
That’s a load off ol’ chest. Now let the healing begin!