As you might have noticed, the National Evil has gussied itself up with a new, smoother menthol flavor and a nifty header. While we hold hands and ponder our new mascot, let’s get philosophical.
That’s right: the dreaded “There are two kinds of people” conversation.
Over time, the National Evil has realized there are two kinds of people: those who came to Godzilla via the 1954 A-bomb cautionary-tale original, and those who arrived at the King of the Monsters through such later fare as Son of Godzilla and Destroy All Monsters. (Yes, I’m leaving out the 99% of humanity with no idea what the hell I’m talking about, but ask yourself—do they really count? Do YOU? Come on, don’t you want to be part of the 1%, the elite?)
Needless to say, probably (but then, the Evil specializes in the needless-to-say): I discovered Godzilla whilst he fought a giant lobster in Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster. And, having missed the nuclear subtext of the original, I saw nothing wrong—and so, so much right—with the notion of a couple, maybe three, colossal monsters duking it out at sea or on an otherwise empty hillscape dotted with pines and the occasional boulder for chucking at one’s nemesis.
Not that I lacked empathy for my fellow humans—but in those flicks, Godzilla and company never really hurt anyone. True, they did smash a tank here and there, but there was never anything to indicate that anyone was actually in those tanks. So it was all good fun, a little property damage, some deforestation, and the occasional rampage through a major metropolitan area.
Last week I did a little research, made a few phone calls. And now I pose the question, my aspiring one-percenters: would YOU accept a seven percent jump in your homeowner’s insurance (that’s the number given to me by the nice lady at the National Association of Insurers [NAI]—and yes, they do have statistics for this and just about any other eventuality) to enjoy the spectacle of 200-foot-tall monsters body-slamming each other in the Badlands?
You know where the Evil stands. Need I say it? OK, OK, I’ll say it: Join us or die.
Of monsterless boredom.