beware the beernedict arnolds in our midst!

Americans: discerning beer-drinkers and hat-wearers.

The National Evil is fiercely dedicated to its staple beer, Guinness, though the occasional Bass, Newcastle, or Sam Adams crosses its parched and greedy lips. In fact, if the Evil had a platform, one of its key points would be a relentless hunting-down and tasering of those without a discernable beer preference—beermeleons, if you will. Or if you won’t, at that.

Now, though, Miller Brewing Co.’s CEO claims consumers are trading down on their suds—which is obviously just a hoot and a holler for him. Miller’s profits have shot upward as the economy crumbles around us. As to why? From the man himself:

“We think it’s primarily driven by decline of disposable income and pocket money that American consumers are feeling right now.”

The Evil has no beef with searching for what’s on sale within an accepted continuum of beers. If you’re a Mexican-beer-with-limer, and Modelo is a dollar off this week, by all means, choose it over your usual Corona. But this idea espoused by Mr. Miller (not his actual name)—that people are switching from, say, Paulaner to Miller Lite . . . this will not stand.

His primary argument seems to be that recession-wracked citizens are seeking more economical ways of drowning their sorrows. For that, there’s liquor! Every patriotic, down-on-his-luck American knows that, when times are tight, you switch to the hard stuff. It’s all in the spirit of can-do efficiency that makes you want to shout “USA! USA! USA!” as you’re yakking: you get drunk faster, pass out sooner, and come to earlier. And then it’s back to work making this country great.

Proving the Evil’s point, the AP notes that, while Miller Lite and High Life sales have increased, sales of Milwaukee’s Best—charitably described here as an “economy brew”—are down. So America knows the score, Mr. Miller, even if you don’t.

Enjoy the weekend. If possible, buy me a birthday drink.


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