You’re not the only liar, Hank.
You know the feeling: zipping down the freeway, you find yourself nodding along to a song, tapping your heels to the beat . . . maybe even singing along with the chorus . . . and then, as the last note fades, you hear the title of said song—and feel utterly betrayed. LIED to!
Say, for instance, you’ve got the sunroof open and are screaming the chorus to “I’m Every Woman”. (Note: this has never, ever happened to the National Evil. Not once. Nope. Nope. Nope.) Then, as the thrilling vocal rush wears off, you realize—who the hell does Whitney Houston think she is? It’s all in her? What—the crack? The neglect of her children, the broken marriage? And she claims to represent all women in this song? How dare she?
And suddenly you’re enraged, you’re beating the steering wheel, you’re kicking your radio for leading you on, for tempting you down that forking path of LIES.
The Evil knows this has happened to you. Again and again, dastardly musicians trick you into blithely singing along with their LIES.
To help you navigate this ocean of LIES, the National Evil offers this ongoing list of
Song Titles That LIE
The first five:
“Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” (Cindy Lauper): Ahem. As a grown man, and a veteran of dozens of battles in this “war between the sexes”, the Evil knows for a fact that girls want so, so much more than “just” to “have fun”. Don’t try to confuse us with your bangle bracelets and complicated hair, Ms. Lauper. We know better.
“I Shot the Sherriff” (Eric Claption version only): No you didn’t. Bob Marley did. It was bad enough when British musicians were swiping the blues and reggae from black culture. But then to go and try to claim some kind of “cop killa” street cred? Not only are you a thief, Mr. Clapton, but your attempt to co-opt a hateful stereotype casts aspersions on an entire ethnic group.
“Bitches Ain’t Shit” (Dr. Dre): Maybe your bitches ain’t shit, Dre. But the Evil’s (lovingly known as the “Natty Eves”) are fine, confident, intelligent women. Maybe you should find yourself some better bitches, hmm? Or maybe the problem isn’t with the bitches, but with you? Ever think about that, Dre?
“Things Can Only Get Better” and “No One Is to Blame” (Howard Jones): You pull off quite the double whammy, Herr Jones. One might argue that not only have things actually gotten worse, but also that there is definitely someone to blame. And we all know who. Hint: his initials are “HJ”. Second hint: no, it’s not Howard Johnson.
“It Was a Good Day” (Ice Cube): No, Cube. It was a great day—thanks to you.
That’s all for today. More LIES coming soon . . .