This man is not sexy. But he is no fool.
The National Evil is a winner. And this isn’t some pathetic routine wherein he stands in front of his bathroom mirror repeating that to himself. No: he is a winner. Try beating him at Parcheesi—just try.
That said, he admits there are a few lost battles in his past. Most galling of all is his failure to stem the tide of idiots intent on corrupting the meaning of the word “sexy”. Bill Maher said it best: Calling something sexy means you want to stick your tongue down its throat.
Here’s what sexy is not, folks:
Sexy isn’t a new car.
Sexy isn’t a low-interest mortgage.
Sexy isn’t a merger of two multinational conglomerates.
Sexy isn’t a heaping pile of money.
Sexy isn’t a heaping pile of mashed potatoes.
Sexy might be an article of clothing (the Evil admits to tonguing many a fishnet stocking), but it sure as hell isn’t a handbag.
. . . But it hardly matters at this point. “Sexy” has been dragged through the mud of so many non-sexy Mad Lib adjectival disasters that the battle to preserve its sexiness is lost.
The battle. But not the war. Because the Evil has decided to up the ante, and he invites you to join him. We’re going to complete the destruction. We’re going to ruin “sexy”.
How? Simple: by pushing the urge to desexify “sexy” into hyperdrive. By applying “sexy” to the unsexiest things in the world. Within six months, the thought of the word “sexy” will make your stomach clench with nausea. Within a year, a silent majority will have banished the word. And then—then!—five years from now, “sexy” will make its triumphant (notice we didn’t say “sexy”) comeback.
So how does one join the war effort? Even simpler! Choose something disgusting, repulsive, offensive . . . and slap “sexy” on that mother. Examples:
Sexy explosive diarrhea.
One sexy hangnail.
Hey baby—sexy fever blisters!
That is some sexy-smelling spoiled milk.
Oh you sexy fungus.
The splash-pattern entry wound is the epitome of sexy this summer.
Hold on—gotta feed my sexy tapeworm.
Sweet fancy Moses, that is the sexiest lesion I have ever laid eyes on!
See? It’s beautiful! Now who among you sexy people is with me?