the tomato: official death fruit of the national evil

Attack of the Killer Tomatoes: official death fruit-related movie of the National Evil.

This a.m. the National Evil tempted death. Laughed at death. Spat in the vicinity of its feet. (But not actually on its feet; death is wearing some pretty fly shoes today.)

This a.m., the National Evil sliced a tomato and draped its blood-red discs over his sandwich.

And this noon, the National Evil ate that sandwich.

If you are unaware, the FDA has issued a warning concerning salmonella-infected tomatoes. Major grocery chains and McDonald’s are dumping tomatoes by the truckload. They say it’s only certain types of tomatoes . . . but what if they’re wrong?

Yeesh. The National Evil remembers a time when the most “dangerous” aspect of the tomato was its use as a euphemism for the boob. “Nice tomatoes, baby!” he remembers shouting from the numerous construction sites at which he toiled. “Wanna help me erect this skyscraper?” he’d continue or, perhaps, “You look like you could use some jackhammering!” This went on for quite some time, spawning dozens of lawsuits, the Evil’s dismissal from his construction firm, his own lawsuit against said firm . . . and the eventual downfall of the construction, contracting, and housing industries, culminating in the subprime crisis that has mired us all in the grips of this maybe/maybe not recession.

Those were the days: a vibrant economy, a construction boom . . . firm, juicy tomatoes straining against blouses and sweaters . . .

Sorry. Back to the issue at hand.

When the Evil went a-grocery shopping on Sunday, he found the tomato station at his local Kroger half-emptied, with a poorly typed note explaining why certain tomatoes were absent while others still glistened in succulent piles before him. Shrugging, the Evil snapped up these “clean” tomatoes and gave it not a second thought . . .

Until this a.m., when he made his sandwich. What if the FDA added these very tomatoes to its death list between Sunday and today? Are you reading the last entry the Evil will ever post in this blog? If so, please keep in mind this post from last week! One-a yous better start working on stealing that plane.

Thing is . . . the Evil never pictured the tomato as his death food. Given the choice, he’d always imagined expiring from system shock after eating jar after jar of delicious Duke’s mayonnaise.

This begs the question, dear readers: If some food is going to take you down, which would it be? What is YOUR death food?


3 thoughts on “the tomato: official death fruit of the national evil”

  1. i’m not sure which food will eventually take me out, but when i do go please line my pyre with all the meats, chicken wings, hams you want. you may not want to push me all the way out to sea so that you can enjoy the delicious feast after i’m gone. maybe just a lazy funereal float down the ole broad river.

  2. yes, but HOW much butter? that is the question . . .

    maybe you and billyr can go at the same time, and we can squeeze your buttery flesh dry over billy’s pyre o’ meats.

    let’s make this happen. evil’s hungry.

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