the national evil demands a seat at the international astronomical union!

The untrained eye might mistake this for modern art. The expert recognizes this for a bunch of crap.

As you might recall, two years ago a shadowy organization called the “International Astronomical Union” demoted Pluto from planethood, sparking the rage of those for whom the “9 planets orbiting the sun” mobile in their second-grade classroom constituted a fond memory. And there’s still a lot of ignorance as to why this happened.

What’s that you say? “It happened because Caltech astronomers found an even larger body than Pluto drifting in the Kuiper Belt, so either it would have to also be a planet or Pluto had to be demoted. And then you open the floodgates to other Kuiper Belt objects, and suddenly you have 43 planets.”

No, stupid—the Evil knows why that happened. What he meant was, how did this come to a vote without his involvement? The National Evil DEMANDS a voting stake in every shadowy organization! It’s in the mission statement!

Evil has already penetrated the inner councils of the PANTONE Color Group, the International Olympic Committee, and the AFSCME—and he doesn’t even know what that stands for! And yet there’s a body of so-called experts empowered to obliterate planets on a whim? And the Evil wasn’t invited?

For shame, IAU. For shame.

This is especially galling in light of the IAU’s most recent decree. Rather than calling Pluto and other large Kuiper Belt bodies “dwarf planets”—which is insulting to both dwarves and planets—the IAU has decided to christen them . . .

Wait for it . . .

PLUTOIDS!

What a name! Kind of makes the word “planet” seem like a steaming pile of crap, doesn’t it? Can’t you image the other planets looking on enviously, stuck with their dumb name? Can’t you just see Jupiter trying to squeeze into the first chapter meeting of the International Plutoids Union? “I’m not really that big—I’m mostly just gas! Really!”

This is obviously the coolest shadowy organization out there. Just think of all the lame names sciency types come up with . . . “dark matter” . . . “binary system” . . . “international space station.” And somehow this group spits out Plutoid?

And yet . . . and yet . . . this implies that there is a group of hipster scientists bestowing awesome titles on celestial bodies—names that sound like the alien invaders from a 50s B-movies—and they’re too cool to invite the Evil. He would’ve voted for Plutoid! Are you kidding?

Dear readers: If you care, please start a petition to get the Evil into the IAU. Wouldn’t you rather call dark matter “The Shadowy Substance From Beyond”?

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