Chuck Norris (left) loses a fight to the National Evil.
The National Evil pities that loser Chuck Norris, who hired an “admirer” to create a website full of “facts” about how “awesome” he “is.” This brand of juvenile self-aggrandizement is far, far beneath the Evil, who maintains his own website, thank you very much, and—hey! That right there is a fact. A factual fact, in fact. How you like them apples, Chaz? What’s that? Tastes sour? Yes, that’s the bitter taste of TRUTH.
Since so many of you have clamored to know more about the Evil, here are ten actual, factual truths about his life*. Consider these, if you will, to be the spiritual opposite of those silly Chuck Norris “facts”; these are simply the salient details that define the Evil.
1. As a kid, the National Evil did the best Yoda impression in his scout troop, often reducing his friends to tears. His favorite line to quote? “Hraah! Wars not make one great!”
2. During the 2003 buildup to the Iraq War, the National Evil quoted this exact line before Congress, to notably lesser effect.
3. The National Evil knows the date—and year—of Garfield’s birth. He is not proud of this.
4. Once the National Evil found a cat hair in his lasagna on June 19—Garfield’s fucking birthday. Creepy, huh?
5. Last summer the National Evil saw two Galapagos Island turtles goin’ at it. Or trying and failing to play leapfrog; he didn’t get close enough to be sure. You don’t want to catch a giant turtle money shot, folks. Believe me.
6. Mount St. Helens erupted on the National Evil’s birthday in 1980. He tried to claim responsibility for the eruption, but at the time he pronounced it “sponsitility.”
7. It was adorable when he said it. Really. The National Evil was one cute toddler.
8. . . . Then he got older. At ten, the National Evil wore a mullet to the small of his back, a spike on top, and had designs shaved into his temples. His fifth-grade teacher was so turned on by his frank rebel attitude that she seduced him in the music room.
9. During the late 80s, the National Evil fronted the glam-metal band BLACKOUT. The band produced no hits and broke up when its bassist, guitarist and drummer died in simultaneous imaginary car crashes.
10. As for the National Evil, he overdosed on stage. Efforts to resuscitate him failed, but a voodoo priest, at the same hospital with a broken ankle, resurrected the Evil as a zombie. After years of therapy, the Evil rejoined the ranks of the living in 1997.
READERS! Feel free to submit your own facts about the National Evil. He’d like to know what you really think about him.
(*Ha! You expected some kind of half-clever fine-print disclaimer here, didn’t you? Something along the lines of “The preceding statement is not true.” Tough beans, punk.)