happy birthday, garfield. or, given your age, should i say zombie garfield.

Moments before the Joker releases his poison gas on an innocent populace . . .

Yesterday the National Evil mentioned that he knew the exact day and year of Garfield’s birth. When he wrote that, he didn’t realize that today (yesterday’s tomorrow) was that momentous day . . . and what’s more, today is Garfield the cat’s 30th birthday.

Why in the name of all that’s holy does the Evil know this? Well.

When he was but a wee lad, the Evil thought Garfield was the cat’s pajamas. (Turns out that was just Garfield’s actual fur.) Behind his parents and Mr. Rogers, Garfield was his guiding light for how to comport oneself in this world. Basing his youth on Garfield’s teachings, the Evil:

1. Tried to make lasagna his favorite food. It didn’t work—pizza was so, so much better. But loving pizza felt like keeping it in the family.

2. Learned to fear spiders for no rational reason.

3. Decided to hate Mondays—no stretch there, but when you’re in the single digits, every day is pretty much like any other, so being a dedicated Monday-hater really set the Evil apart from his peers, most of whom were still trying not to crap their pants on a daily basis.

4. Always “spoke” in thought balloons. This proved to be agonizing for the Evil’s parents, who thought he’d gone mute for a period from June 1985 to May 1986. They took young Evil to a variety of specialists—speech therapists, child psychologists, faith healers, snake worshippers—before despairing of the Evil ever speaking again. Then the Evil spoke again, and they wondered why they’d ever worried.

5. Began his long path down the road of radical numerology. Garfield’s birthday is exactly one year, one month, and one day after the Evil’s; 1 + 1 + 1 = 3, which Schoolhouse Rock defined as the “magic” number. 3 x 3 = 9, the Evil’s age when he became a zealous numerologist. 9 x 9 = 81 . . . the Evil couldn’t come up with anything for that, so he skipped ahead to 81 x 81 = 6,561, which was close enough to 666 x 10 to really freak the Evil out and spark his interest in Iron Maiden.

But that’s a topic for another day. Maybe the day Maiden got together? Anyone? A little help?

While you research that, check out this link if you haven’t found it on this site already. We so postmodern up in here!

Enjoy the weekend. If possible, mail a kitten to Abu Dhabi.

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