your anatomy might be “gross”. mine is a thing of sloppy beauty.

Lies, lies, LIES.

Recently the Evil attended a wedding at which he chitchatted with a cousin whom he hadn’t seen in a few years. These days this cousin is a paralegal at a law firm, where she does research for medical lawsuits.

She described one common scenario that struck a nerve with the Evil: a surgeon opens up the patient to perform, say, a gallbladderectomy. While cutting and pruning in the sloppy red viscera of the human body, the surgeon nicks a vein s/he can’t see . . . and wouldn’t suspect, because according to anatomy texts, that vein isn’t supposed to be there.

The National Evil is highly familiar with anatomical antics. When he was 17, doctors discovered an engorged twin impacted between the Evil’s stomach and kidneys. The Evil had this twin removed, took it home with him, deep fried it, and engorged his twin again to make sure the punk wouldn’t try anything. You can’t be too careful with these things.

. . . But obviously a twin, a competitor, isn’t supposed to be there. What about a vein, though? Who’s telling us what a normal anatomy is? Who’s the authority? More importantly: who’s the template?

How did the “accepted” human anatomy come to be recognized? Did scientists open up corpse after corpse, compare the results, and throw together a gestalt of the human body? Or did they just choose one person, skin him, and say, “Hey, this is really gross. Let’s just call this one the standard and go eat some ribs”?

And—this being America—how has there not been a lawsuit directed at the publishers of anatomy textbooks? The Evil knows this for sure: if he ever has a surgery go awry, and some doctor tells him it happened because a vein, spleen or whatever wasn’t where it should’ve been, the writs will fly.

Come on, Americans! Shout it: Who are they to tell me where my veins should be? Punk-ass anatomists!

The Friends of Evil (a.k.a. FOEs) will be gathering at the White House on August 17, 2008—”World Anatomy Day”—to protest this elitist conspiracy. Please join us.

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