I’ll give you three guesses as to what you can call me. And the first two don’t count.
The National Evil sees you: nodding your head, humming, wetting your lips to sing along—
Whew. That was too close . . .
For your education and protection, here are more
Song Titles That LIE
“You Can Call Me Al” (Paul Simon): So this once, I was in Manhattan, and I saw Paul Simon walking down the sidewalk. So I followed him from a distance of about ten feet, shouting “Al! Hey Al!” at him. He ignored me for three blocks before finally turning on me. With a sigh and a scowl, he said, “Look—don’t call me that. It’s not funny anymore.” Well, you know what else isn’t funny, Paul? LIES. That’s what.
“Freddie’s Dead” (Curtis Mayfield): This one actually confuses me a little . . . because of course Freddie’s dead . . . that’s kind of the basis of the whole Nightmare on Elm Street franchise. But then, if he survived to murder teenagers in The Dream Warriors, The Dream Child, Freddie’s New Nighmare, etc., isn’t he alive, if only in our minds? Does dream-life count? What’s up with the mindfuck here, Curtis? When we listen to your smooth soul-funk grooves, we want to relax, not ponder ontological quandaries.
“God Gave Rock ‘n’ Roll To You” (KISS): You’d think a band that dubbed itself Knights In Satan’s Service would know that God had and wants nothing to do with rock ‘n’ roll. Rock gushes from a seething fountain of boiling blood deep in the bowels of Hell. But then, maybe this is some kind of reverse-psychology ploy masterminded by the Big Say? Something to think about . . . and celebrate!
“Groove Is In The Heart” (Deee-Lite): In 1959, Soviet medical researchers located the groove in the spleen. These findings were viciously disputed by the “Groove In Heart” school of American doctors at Johns Hopkins University. However, in 1989, Dr. Jonas Hester, then of the Mao Clinic, admitted that the Soviets were correct. A year later, Deee-Lite, in an egregious case of medical misdirection, released this single, continuing the spread of this inaccurate medical information. How many thousands have suffered because of this thoughtless and cruel musical stunt?
“Mama Said Knock You Out” (LL Cool J): I happen to know your mama, LL, and I know she would never, never tell her baby boy to inflict physical harm on anyone. Shame on you for dragging your mama’s name into the mud. Back to Cali with you!
Remember, kids: When you sing along with your favorite song, you’re only thrusting yourself into the shredding gears of the control mechanism.