something new to fear: the burgeoning deviant sexuality of elephants

Evil found this video snippet on the FAIL blog. In addition to being the most disgustingly funny 45 seconds of video ever captured, it also sent a shiver of fear up the Evil’s spine.

First off, forget the poor sumbitch with his head up the elephant’s ass. There are six and a half billion of us, folks, most of whom are sticking our heads where they don’t belong, so eventually this was bound to happen. We should all just give thanks that video technology and internet distribution have caught up with events on the ground, so to speak.

No—the fear arose in the Evil when he thought: What if that elephant decided he liked it? What if, true to his species-specific stereotype, he never forgot the feeling?

And wanted more?

Imagine: this pachyderm backing his gargantuan thang up at any approaching human noggin. Or stray arm dangling between the bars enclosing the elephant corral. Or woman raising a baby over her head to give it a better view into said corral. We already put primates behind glass for fear of poo-flinging debacles; what now?

And what if a rim-job starved elephant escapes from his corral, rampaging through the zoo? Would zoos even be able to afford the insurance to keep elephants?

Hopefully that won’t happen . . . but one never knows. Elephants are highly intelligent, sociable, and long-lived. Surely they get bored with the regular action, the dull sexual routine of bull-mounts-cow demanded of them by evolution.

What if this very elephant sparks a sexual revolution among his species? Can’t you see him begging the rest of the herd for some trunk action?

The Evil’s just saying . . . if you’ve got a prehensile schnozz and don’t know what to do with it, vis-à-vis getting it on . . . damn. You’re just not evolving.

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6 thoughts on “something new to fear: the burgeoning deviant sexuality of elephants”

  1. now THAT is disturbing. beneath that answer about elephants is another question that also intrigues, and somewhat disturbs, the evil . . .

    in it, the seeker-of-knowledge inquires as to the gender breakdown of salt and pepper, as her mother always told her they were married and therefore always had to be together. the questioner assumed pepper was the husband, salt the wife. but why?

    a disturbing link, indeed.

  2. Cecil is right. La sal y la pimienta are both girls, so they have one of those “Boston marriages.” But, that doesn’t answer the question, does it? Because as soon as two girls or boys get married, everybody still asks, “So, which one of you is the husband and which one is the wife?”

    So, this is one of those dilemmas that will never be solved.

  3. true, true . . . evil supposes this makes parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme nothing more or less than a roman-style orgy.

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