iphone + top secret app store = spyphone. insert villainous laugh here.

5, 4, 3, 2, 1 . . . BOOM!

Along with the pending release of the 3G iPhone comes the App Store, in which over 4,000 programs for that “sexy” gadget (sarcasm alert; the gadget is another thing that is NOT sexy) will supposedly sprout, waiting to be harvested by eager consumers. We’ve heard rumors of apps that will help you find your friends in da club in da club in da club. The press is rife with tales describing how Apple plans to infiltrate the business world by offering “enterprise solutions”, one of those unnecessary euphemisms that strikes the Evil as so stupid it should make any adult blush to say it.

Among the apps already demoed are a medical scanning program and a game called “Super Monkey Ball.” First question that springs to the Evil’s mind: Why not combine the two?

Second question: What if, instead of filling the App Store with business gewgaws, games, and social networking tools, the iPhone offered a suite of applications suitable for the modern spy/spy hunter/assassin for hire? If Apple wants to keep its place at the cutting edge of technology, shouldn’t Jobs and co. be servicing this demographic first? (Of course, there’s always the possibility that this demo has been served in a top-secret way since the Cold War.) Here are five apps—all of them plausible, mind you; no invisible cars here—the Evil would like to see in the SpyPhone.

1. Retinal Scanner: Only two people can access the heart of the secret military installation: the supervillain and his insanely hot girlfriend wearing the cocktail dress slit up to the ying-yang . . . with whom you’re tangoing at the Embassy. Why would the would-be world-conqueror allow this beauty access to his inner sanctum? Quid pro quo, my friend, quid pro quo. After charming her off her feet, you “show” her a picture on your iPhone. As she peers at the screen, it discreetly scans her retinal pattern. This will come in handy at the security door.

2. iBrator: But where is that secret military installation? You’re going to need the girlfriend again. And while we’re not suggesting you aren’t up to the task, remember that this woman has been heartlessly employed by her supervillain boyfriend to seduce dozens of generals, business tycoons, ambassadors, and over forty Congressmen and -women. She’s going to be hard to impress. Luckily, your phone’s vibrate mode, combined with its built-in accelerometer, make this an easy O. After that, she’ll tell you anything.

3. Blinding Flare: So you’ve been cornered by the security detail guarding the secret military installation deep in the, um, Amazon. Behind a waterfall. Yes, that’s it. As you drop your weapon and raise your hands, simply slip your phone out and toggle the volume control. The iPhone’s huge, sexy screen (sarcasm note again) flashes with blinding light. The guards stumble back, stunned. Run!

4. Oil-slick Squirter: The Evil has yet to see anyone actually plug headphones into the iPhone’s headphone jack. So why not transform it into a high-pressure, oil-squirting nozzle? Spray liberally on the floor of the secret military installation. Watch as the guards pursuing you slip ‘n’ slide, toppling together in a pile. Make your escape.

5. Grinade: You’ve made it to the nerve center of the secret military installation. Activate your phone’s self-destruct mode, chuck it into the reactor, and leap clear of the explosion. Do it now! There’s no time!

. . . And don’t worry overmuch about losing that sweet, sweet gadget; the thing only costs $199 now.

Enjoy the weekend. If possible, go ahead and plan your obsolescence.

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