testosterone and you: bad news for wormy, desperately shy shut-in types. good news for not-hotties?

Note Snoop’s upright posture and squared shoulders . . .

The National Evil likes him some science. So much so that he appends a spasmodic ! to its category tag. (OK, it’s actually an homage to Thomas Dolby. Shaddup.) When he spies an interesting nugget chipped off from man’s quest to understand the mysteries of nature, the Evil is pleased to present to you, dear reader, these findings. (Real or imagined.) He does this even though many of these nuggets are almost maddeningly dull. For example: here’s an article about the purpose of testosterone that could use some. Read it if you’d like . . . to feel the testosterone draining from you. Or! Let Evil be your guide.

Looooong story short: when talking to a woman, a man’s testosterone rises by the same amount whether she looks like a supermodel or a C.H.U.D. Relevant line:

The study’s authors believe the rise in testosterone may be an automatic and unconscious reaction that has evolved in man when faced with a woman, to prepare him for possible mating opportunities.

See? See? For Chrissakes, the article is entitled “Male lust is blind, research suggests.” And “lust” gots nothing to do with anything as dry as “mating opportunities.” Seriously: “mating opportunities?” Not “shagging opportunities?” Not “boots-knocking”? Not “tappin that ass?”

This is why robot sex will take decades to get good—because scientists have to invent our sex-slave-droids. Until Hef gets his hands on them, they’re going to be about as exciting as having sex with the publishers of this research.

The drudgery goes on to report:

The rising levels may then fuel more visible changes in male behaviour that occur in the presence of a woman, including a squaring of shoulders, an upright posture, and greater use of hands—and even, it is suggested, a flaring of the nostrils.

Two observations here:

One: at least we know why it’s boring and stuffy. Look at the spelling of “behaviour.” British. Unless . . . maybe it’s actually an extremely witty article, but so dry the Evil can’t detect the humor?

Two: what’s up with the flaring of the nostrils? This isn’t the first time the Evil has encountered the notion of nostril-flaring as an unconscious physical lure for women. Squaring the shoulders and sitting upright, sure, Evil gets that; what woman wants a sloucher? And what’s worse than, say, trapezoidal shoulders?

Evil also gets the “use of hands”—when flirting, he executes several abrupt chopping motions, hinting to the lucky lady that he might know judo.

But nostrils?

Ladies! Ladies! Please impart to we poor males some hint as to what’s so sexy about nostril-flaring. If you could put this in the form of an erotic fantasy, so much the better.

In the meantime, Evil is going to begin a campaign we should all be able to get behind: from now, when researchers want to publish a scientific article about sex, they have to bring in Snoop Dogg as a consultant.


4 thoughts on “testosterone and you: bad news for wormy, desperately shy shut-in types. good news for not-hotties?”

  1. if to don’t know what’s so sexy about men flaring their nostrils, you need to try getting it on with your eyes open and the lights on sometime. It’s one of those brute-beast kinda things.I mean, what’s sexier than a bull with his nostrils flaring and all his muscles rippling. (That’s not the kind of question that wants an answer. What somebody likes to do in the barnyard is their own damn business, and I don’t want to encourage anything that would make PETA wanna firebomb my apartment.)

    But on the other hand, you do have to be careful. Vic’s nostrils are so big that when he opens wide and starts snorting, things disappear into that black hole he calls a head. This is not only the reason we can’t have nice things, but also why we had to quit doing coke. Not that we don’t love it, or that we wanna turn into religious fanatics anymore than Keith Richards does, but it’s just too expensive with a schnozz like that.

  2. What is a C.H.U.D.? I tried looking it up. Center for Housing and Urban Development? Cinematic Happenings Under Development? A bunch of 35 year old males in Roswell, Georgia with their own podcast? The Computer Hardware Understanding Developer Tools(which interestingly includes the Ability to Time Profile only the Kernel, as well as Saturn Support for Intel systems — I had no idea Saturn was Looking for Handouts or that we had to be picky when Time Profiling Rows of Corn).

    I’m pretty sure my testosterone didn’t raise at all reading any of that. That chick in the photo isn’t doing much for me, either, although Snoop does have a certain charm. I like ’em tall and skinny. He needs to lose the baggy sweatshirt, though. Maybe a skin-tight fishnet top and then poured into leather pants.

    Work it for me, baby!

    Snoop Gone Wilde!

  3. C.H.U.D. = Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dweller . . . scarier than mole people, not as bad as tremors. one of those cheesy 80s horror movies the evil wanted to but never got around to seeing. well, evil has netflix now! so we shall see, we shall see.

    heard a podcast yesterday during which a guest described cocaine as “booger sugar”. evil isn’t sure how he ever missed that, but he’s glad he finally heard it.

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