kill a man with your bare hands

The National Evil is devoted to constant, gut-wrenching self-improvement. Take this blog; what began as an emotional landfill for one man’s zombie zeitgeist fantasies has rapidly morphed into a one-stop mecca for entertainment, education and propaganda.

Frankly, if you’re not making yourself smarter, healthier, stealthier, or more nubile every day, the National Evil doesn’t want you as a reader. But it is a confusing world, granted, and the path to radical self-reinvention quite often gives the appearance of forking infinitely into dark, scary woods.

Those woods aren’t so scary, though, if you’re equipped with an emotional chainsaw of righteousness. To that end, the National Evil offers the self-help guide for those who have the nerve to make themselves the kind of readers this blog can be proud of . . . and fear:

Kill A Man With Your Bare Hands: An On-the-Go Guide To Achieving Nietzchian Supermanhood.

Check back constantly, obsessively, as the National Evil periodically, casually features excerpts from the 100-step process to becoming more human than human. We begin with . . .

Step 1: Kill a man with your bare hands.

Let’s face it—tasteless as it may be, this is the alpha dog of alpha dog behaviors. A hundred years from now, nothing will fill your descendents with more awe and dread than telling the story of how Great-Grandpa killed a man with his bare hands.

Technique is key. A lethal beating is by far the best way to go here. Failing that, try snapping the neck. Failing that, you can go for strangulation. Smothering does not count, sorry. Nor does pushing a man down the stairs or out of a runaway train.

[Ladies! Ladies! Evil hears your cry. Please be assured that all of the above works just as well—maybe even better—when one transposes “woman” for “man”. Maybe Nietzsche didn’t think so, but the National Evil knows there’s a super, if not wonder, woman in each of you. We regret the gender-specific title, but “Superpersonhood” sounds anything but super.]

As to the motive for performing this wretched but cleansing act? Motives are for the weak. But if you must, here are three acceptable reasons:

S/he (your victim) was

1. Making eyes at my man/special lady.
2. Lookin’ at me all, like, you know, hostile an’ shit.
3. Jaywalking.

So there. You’re now armed with a motive, an objective, and an insatiable lust for power. Now get out there and self-improve!

Check back soon for Step 2: Wrestle an alligator.


3 thoughts on “kill a man with your bare hands”

  1. Call me Miranda, but I’m gonna have to plead the fifth on this one. A few tips, though:

    1. The more good reasons you have to off someone, the more likely doing it with your bare hands is a good idea, especially if there are lots of other people that nice piles of reasons for offing this person, too.

    2. It’s usually best if the guest of honor is somebody the police wouldn’t really mind disappearing forever, either.

    3. What’s even more impressive than killing someone with your bare hands is doing it with a thought or a word. There’s no tracing THAT one.

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