Brains! Braaaaaains! Braaaai—oh, wait, those are maggots.
That’s right: eating maggots. Allow the Evil to set the scene: the sky was bright with sunset fire, the crickets were chattering “Goodnight!” at the top of their fucking lungs, and the Evil was wondering about maggots. (Don’t think this will never happen to you.)
Given his world travels, talent for causing offense, and penchant for bloody coups, Evil had to face facts—one day, he’ll probably find himself thrust into a maggot-swarmed situation. Of course he will; didn’t it happen to another presidential candidate? (Quick hint + cheap shot: not the one whose name rhymes with Osama. Uh-huh—got your blood a-boilin’ there a little, hmm? Remember: Evil perches above the fray. And craps on your car.) Doesn’t part of the “John McCain as POW” story concern how he was forced to subsist on maggot-infested bowls of rice?
(Know what? It doesn’t matter. Which is to say, the mythology of McCain’s sacrifice has reached the catechistic point. If you asked him to list the horrors endured by McCain while a POW, Evil would report the maggot-rice element by rote. And if that’s incorrect, it hardly seems to make a sizeable dent in the magnitude of his suffering.)
We all know that the presence of crawling, writhing maggots on a hunka meat, a bowl of rice, or any other potential foodstuff equals DO NOT EAT. However, the Evil found himself wondering . . . couldn’t you eat the maggots themselves? Just pick them off one by one, then dump out the rancid rice? Maggots feast on rot and decay, sure, but are they themselves, sweet lil’ baby vermin, rotten and decayed? Surely not.
The Evil wanted to be surely sure, though, so he harnessed the power of the most reliable source out there: random Googling. (Which must have been much more fun in the 70s.) He found this delightful site, featuring a certain nugget of information under the greatest heading EVER: “7. I think I ate a maggot. Will I die?” (Wasn’t this a children’s book? Evil seems to remember it being one.)
[T]he symptoms that have been associated with eating maggot-infested food may actually result from ingesting the bacteria that was spoiling the food and not from eating the maggots.
So, if Evil’s reading this right, you should be able to clean off the maggots, then eat them. Whether stumbling upon carrion in the heat-blasted jungle, or as a prisoner of war, or simply nursing one’s own gangrenous wound, we’re all likely to be faced with this dietary dilemma someday. So it seems every survival kit should include a tiny, precise maggot brush, no?
Need more evidence? There’s also this site and its money shot:
[I]f you think of it that way, then they are just processed meat. Sort of like tiny, wriggling hot dogs.
Mmm . . . hot dogs.
Enjoy the weekend. If possible, eat . . .
(No—sweet Christ, not maggots! Don’t be disgusting!)