Note: The following is an excerpt from Kill A Man With Your Bare Hands: An On-the-Go Guide To Achieving Nietzchian Supermanhood. Click here to find out more about this exciting self-help book!
Step 2: Wrestle an alligator.
(If we need to add “Step 2(A): . . . And win”, you’re not ready for this guide.)
Once you’ve thrust your pummeling hands into the toothy maw of reptilian death, nothing else in life seems that problematic. Troubles at home? Is your boss a prick? Are your kids not especially bright, attractive, or athletically talented? Hoisting the bludgeoned body of a man-eating alligator over your head, then casting it out of the wrestling pit, is the just the tonic you need to forget the feeble, fallible leeches who’ve attached themselves to you, their Local Superman, for sustenance.
Still not enough? Lucky for you, alligators have been taken off the endangered species list. Which means you can deep-fry and feast on your vanquished opponent.
Gator wrestling: fun for a boy . . .
. . . or a girl!
Quick hint: though ferociously powerful, alligators, being cold-blooded, lack mammalian stamina. They’re only good for 30-second bursts of violence, tops, so the key to wrestling (and beating) an alligator is surviving that first onslaught, then outlasting it with your superior stamina and intellect. This is exactly how the Russians beat back the Nazis and the U.S. Navy overwhelmed the Japanese in World War II.
If you’re not in an area rife with alligators, other acceptable wrestling opponents would be:
1. A brown and/or grizzly bear.
2. A cougar.
3. A giant squid.
4. Andre the Giant.
Step 2(B): Failing that, push another spectator into the gator pit.
Check back soon for Step 3: Hang On For Dear Life!