initiate 10-year moratorium on “surprise” movie reveals . . . NOW.

Ohmygod! In the end, it turns out . . . duh-duh-duh-DUHHHN! . . . this movie sucks.

In his devotion to your success, health, and happiness—and control over same—the National Evil today performs the service of eliminating one movie from your future-viewing list. Happy birthday, dear reader: the Evil is giving you back two hours of your life.

He speaks of Revolver, reputed to be Guy Ritchie’s return to wiseass crime capery after his unfortunate bout of Madonnitis. The Evil isn’t even sure if Revolver was released in the States. He hopes not. It might have stolen screens from some Lindsey Lohan movie. And that would be a tragedy. A tragedy.

Problems abound in this film. The Evil hasn’t seen Idlewild, but if his performance in this flick is any indication, Andre 3000 shouldn’t have quit his day job. (One can only assume he has. That new OutKast project drops . . . when? Anyone?) One of the two coolest motherfunkers on the planet he may be, but the agony of every scene he inhabits is exceeded only by the scrotum-kicking pain of every scene Ray Liotta infests. What is up with Ray, anyway? When GoodFellas wrapped, was he issued a special voucher entitling him to a long acting career regardless of the quality of his work?

The real issue with Revolver, however—and the topic of this post—is the Fight Club and The Sixth Sense-esque “What the FUCK?!!” moment it intends to unleash on the viewer. The Reveal.

The Evil isn’t going to ruin it for you on the off-chance that you’re stuck on a plane one day watching it (more on that subject below), but rest assured: after the introduction of the Thing That Shall Be Revealed In An Hour, you will spend the rest of the movie saying to yourself, “Please don’t let that be the ‘surprise’ ending. Please. Don’t do this to me, Guy. Don’t piss me off. I’m warning you—!”

Alas. The movie closes with the intended “What the FUCK?!!” montage, and you will find yourself dumbfounded that the filmmakers could possibly have imagined you wouldn’t have realized the “twist” as soon as it was introduced . . . a veeeeery long hour ago.

It is time—the Evil thinks we can all agree here—to issue a 10-year moratorium on “surprise!” movie Reveals. The Prestige is the only movie the Evil has seen in the last five years featuring a halfway decent one. Most, however, are beginning to fall into this Revolver category—which, poor as it is, doesn’t take the crown as “worst Reveal ever” from Fracture, a flick the Evil sat through . . . while stuck on a plane. Obviously there isn’t a scriptwriter out there with a Keyser Soze scene in him. We need to await the sprouting of a new generation of screenwriters with their own, fresh Reveals. Until then, the Evil commands thee, Hollywood: CEASE!

[One final note: the Evil would like to rectify a long-held, erroneous belief. When discussing great Reveals, movies always brought up include Fight Club, The Sixth Sense, The Usual Suspects . . . and The Empire Strikes Back. Empire doesn’t belong in that category—because you’ve been given no hint at any point that Vader is Luke’s father. It’s a great ending, don’t get the Evil wrong, and it certainly qualifies as a surprise, but it’s not a Reveal. You could have pieced together Soze’s identity (which the Evil is proud to say he did. Go Evil!) or realized Brad Pitt and Ed Norton were one and the same, which make those Reveals. So while Empire is the best movie of the bunch, it doesn’t belong in the same category.]

Has anyone seen Revolver? More importantly, were you surprised to “find out” the truth at the end? Let the Evil know. So that he may pity you . . .

Enjoy the weekend. If possible, experience your own, legitimate “What the FUCK?!!” moment.

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “initiate 10-year moratorium on “surprise” movie reveals . . . NOW.”

  1. I saw Revolver. I enjoyed it, which isn’t saying much because I enjoy just about anything on film. Even when I sit there making fun of it the entire time, I can still walk away and say it was alright.

    That said, I did guess the ending, but it was kind of like, “Okay, so these guys are supposed to be the guys from the thing? I mean, that’s where it looks like this is headed, but it doesn’t really make much sense. At the very least, there seems to be some age discrepancies. I know there was other shit too, but I don’t remember because I was probably partaking of the Evil’s favorite drink, myself.”

    I’ll go for surprise endings all day as long as they make sense, as long as it can all come together at the end. Revolver doesn’t come “all together.” I can suspend my disbelief…a lot, but this particular “surprise” ending didn’t work for me. I was like, “So that was it? I was right?” Boo. But I still enjoyed the ride.

    I’m also sick of the surprise, psych, different surprise, psych, different surprise endings. You’re sitting there going, “How many times is this movie going to end?” (see Chaos, also with Jason Statham.)

    Recently bad: Flawless with Michael Cane and Demi Moore (borderline complete and utter stupidity. The impossible reveal.)
    Recently good: Inside Man with Denzel Washington and Clive Owen

  2. have not seen inside man, though it is on the evil’s netflix queue. is this a sign that he should bump it up in the priority list?

    you are spot on with revolver . . . you know it’s coming, it’s boring, it doesn’t really make any sense . . . and you end the movie utterly deflated. disgusted. enraged!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s