kill a man with your bare hands: step 3

Note: The following is an excerpt from Kill A Man With Your Bare Hands: An On-the-Go Guide To Achieving Nietzchian Supermanhood. Click here to find out more about this exciting self-help book!

Step 3: Hang on for dear life!

Not every exploit aimed at making you stronger, faster, and sexier involves brutally putting down another living thing. Remember: you can’t respect yoself ‘less you can protect yoself. So after dispatching another human in your weight class, then pummeling a 250 million-year-old reptile, it’s time to fight the first, most insistent, most omnipresent enemy you’ll ever know.

Gravity.

Since the day you squirted from your mother’s womb, gravity has conspired to grind your bones to powder, to liquefy your organs, to buckle your spine like a two-year-old attacking an antique accordion. What’s worse, gravity is Soviet-style communism, inflicting the same mindless equality of oppression on all Earth’s occupants.

Be it from a helicopter’s landing struts, the roof of a skyscraper, the edge of a cliff, or the tail of a soaring dragon, no one can achieve mortal supremacy without first dangling by the fingernails and growling, “Fuck gravity” between clenched teeth.

Think you can pull this off? Fine . . .

. . . then try it with ONE HAND CUT OFF, motherfucker.

Of course—of course—you should be dangling precariously whilst some nemesis stomps or hacks at your throbbing fingers. And of course you have to deal with said nemesis appropriately. The ol’ “grab his arm and fling him over your shoulder” trick works nicely in a pinch. (However, just so you’re not tempted to cheat, doing so does not qualify for completion of Step 1. Sorry, but there are no shortcuts on the road to perfection.)

Step 3(B): Hang onto the airlock of a starship as precious oxygen, and a malign alien life form, are sucked into the vacuum of space. Then pull yourself back in and crash-land on the Moon.

You’d think audiences in 1902 would’ve been a bit squeamish about the white goo leaking from Mr. Moon’s eye, no?

Check back soon for Step 4: Become a supervillain’s #1 henchman.

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2 thoughts on “kill a man with your bare hands: step 3”

  1. Finally someone who recognizes this bastard for the worthy opponent he actually is! It’s easy when you reach seven foot tall to think you’ve finally gotten the upper-hand, but he’s nothing if not persistent. I swear I spend half my life falling for his ruses.

    That’s my favorite photo of the moon, by the by. It really does look like a “big pizza pie” with a mortar shell sticking out of it. Now, THAT’s amore!

  2. actually, that’s a telescope. the moon was running in the house with it, cornered too fast, and slammed his face against a wall. true story.

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