join the national evil in celebrating his first hate mail!

Alas, more morons . . . oh, that works, that works! Huzzah!

. . . Okay, so it’s not really mail, either e- or paper. It was a comment on the Evil’s 2008 NFL preview from a site called “Tourette’s Syndrome: The Latest News About Tourette’s Syndrome.” The comment begins with a compliment . . . dangling the carrot of hope, so to speak. Looka this:

The National Evil, the football hater’s guide to the 2008 NFL season, has some wit, maybe even some promise.

Nice, huh? Of course one could quibble. “Some” wit? “Maybe” even “some” promise? But even so, Evil appreciates the gesture.

HOWever, the comment ends thusly:

This one left me cold:

Indianapolis: Clock runs out on last play of Superbowl as Peyton Manning’s constant “audibles” turn out to be an advanced, crippling case of Tourette’s.

Close. There are a million other allusions that would have been funny but he fell flat on ignorance about Tourette’s Syndrome. Alas, another moron.

Evil doesn’t approve of the “left me cold” with which his attacker initiates the assault. Leaving one cold seems like the most passive-aggressive phrasing possible, no? Being “left cold” certainly sounds unpleasant, but not wounding. One could conceivably be “left cold” shivering outside a friend’s apartment as she digs around into her purse after her keys.

Fortunately the commenter saves himself with that rip-roaring parting shot. Savor it with the Evil: “Alas, another moron.” Now THAT’S good comment!

“Alas, another moron!” Is the Evil filled with envy at the brilliance of this pithy insult? Believe it! Will “Alas, another moron” enter the Evil’s blogging vocabulary—his voblogulary, if you will? Sho’ nuff!

“Alas, another moron” . . . the “alas” it what makes it. That expression of world-weary sorrow . . . “alas” says there is nothing to be done about morons like the Evil; they must simply be endured by better souls hoping for eternal rewards in the next world. The sheer, elegant fatalism of “alas” makes this insult, doesn’t it? Just “Another moron” or “Holy shit, another moron” or “Help! I’m on fire! Another moron” would never have meant a tenth, a hundredth, a thousandth of what “alas” gives it. The Evil salutes Mr. Tourette’s for the quality of his insult.

Now: the Evil is not encouraging all of his dear commenters to riddle him with insults . . . unless they’re as beautifully put as this one. If they are, fire away. Consider the gauntlet thrown.

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2 thoughts on “join the national evil in celebrating his first hate mail!”

  1. I wish I could get some hate mail. The best I have been able to manage so far is to be silently embraced (or at least briefly regarded) by teeming hoards of passionate, fantasy-loving young people, only to be unceremoniously dumped the very next day. I feel so dirty and, well, used. (sniff, sniff) …

    Seriously, though, we’re such a culture of pussies nowadays. If the worst that happens to ya is some guy name-drops your disorder of choice when talking about football, you need to get out more often. Maybe I can introduce you to some fickle Harry Potter fans and you can hide out in your dad’s basement pretending to be a wizard whose wand has the power to guard one against the ravages of …. Um …. Somebody comparing you to a football player in an insensitive manner or something.

    Better men than you or I have been called much worse than “Peyton Manning.”

  2. “I have an idea for a website.”

    “Really? What’ve you got planned?”

    “I’m going to spend my days Googling the word ‘Tourette’s’ and then call out every blogging ‘moron’ who never took the time to fully investigate the true nature of this terrible and debilitating disease. A condition so terrible, about the only time it is ever mentioned is when someone is making fun of it.”

    “Tourette’s? What SHENANIGAN-SPOONWHIP-SWIFFER-SWEEPER is tourette’s?”

    “Alas…another moron.”

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