kill a man with your bare hands: step 4

Note: The following is an excerpt from Kill A Man With Your Bare Hands: An On-the-Go Guide To Achieving Nietzchian Supermanhood. Click here to find out more about this exciting self-help book!

Step 4: Become a supervillain’s #1 henchman.

. . . You know: Bad Guy #2 in all the good action movies. This role skews one of two ways: you’re either the ludicrously muscle-bound heavy who almost, almost, but doesn’t quite kill the hero in hand-to-hand combat, or you’re the supervillain’s “brain,” the real IQ in the operation. Whichever better fits your modus operandi, go for it.

You can go the Oddjob in Goldfinger route (razor bowler not included) . . .

Or try a Theo from Die Hard. Just remember not to get killed by the hero before moving on to . . .

Step 4(A): Turn on your supervillain master and join the forces of Good.

This may seem weak—especially if you do it for the love of a good woman or something schmaltzy like that—but this is really just a transitional leap to Step 4(B). By the way, the best reason to turn on your supervillain master is finding out he plans on betraying all his henchmen and making off with the Confederate gold himself.

Step 4(B): Flip again and take your supervillain master’s place.

See? This totally justifies Step 4(A). You might ask, “Why go through all these steps? Why not just become a supervillain all at once?”

Look, fool: supervillainy is not a one-step process. It works the same way as the NBA Finals. Much as Isiah Thomas’s Detroit Pistons had to overcome Larry Bird’s Celtics, and Michael Jordan’s Chicago Bulls then had to suffer years of beatings before overwhelming those same Pistons, you don’t just make the leap in one season. You have to struggle upward to the peak that is supervillainy.

Step 4(C): Recruit your own henchman. Then watch as they perform Steps 4, 4(A), and 4(B) on you. Trust us: you’ll feel pride welling up even as rage at their betrayal consumes you.


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