election 2008: democrabots vs. republicons

With less than 60 days until the Most Important Election Of Our Lives Until The Next One, it’s time to inaugurate the National Evil’s coverage of said election under the clever heading “Democrabots vs. Republicons.” (Evil promised robot posts, and unlike our politicians, Evil delivers!)

He’s been putting this off for months. Not that the current electoral clusterfuck doesn’t lend itself to Evil’s brand of Keynesian analysis, cat-rescue stories, and low-cal dessert recipes . . . it’s just that, well, he’s been standing in slack-jawed awe at the welling tsunami of vapidity attached to this election. Hey: at least when Bush swift-boated Kerry, it was about a man’s service to his country. Whereas now we have . . . let’s see . . .

Democrats sneering at Sarah Palin’s experience while pushing a candidate with fractionally more time served in politics. Republicans retorting that Palin’s experience is executive experience, which Obama lacks . . . somehow failing to realize that this dig applies equally well to McCain. Dems scoffing at the value of being governor of Alaska, for God’s sake, a state with a population smaller than [insert name of bustling but not metropolis-sized city here]. Never mind the fact that Joe Biden not only lacks that precious executive experience, but also lacks it in Delaware—not exactly the most populous state out there. On that note: Obama, the Candidate of Change, chooses as his running mate a fixture in the Washington establishment, somewhat blunting any “throw the bums out!” rhetoric. Meanwhile, McCain chooses a running mate who was for the war before she was against it—wait, sorry, wrong election. Thaaaat’s right: she was for earmarks before she was against them. What’s an earmark? Whatever it is, it couldn’t possibly be as interesting—much less relevant to our lives—as the fact that Obama and his wife fist-bump, or that McCain used to call the media his “base” but now dubs all journalists “elitists.”

Obama’s too famous! Oh yeah? Well, McCain owns eight houses!

ZING! ZAP! KA-POW! Etc. Rather than debate the issues (6.1% unemployment! Government takeover of Fannie and Freddie! Taliban resurgent in Afghanistan!) of our times, we have the rhetorical equivalent of Adam West fight scenes.

A preview of the upcoming Presidential debates.

. . . And now, as the coup de grace, the GOP is framing queries into Palin’s background as sexist. The modern Republican party. Complaining about sexism. Huh boy. What’s more ludicrous than “jumping the shark?” Whatever it is, we’ve hit that point. All Evil knows for sure is that, right now, Hillary Clinton is screaming into a pillow while watching a conservative talking head shout, “You’re on a witch-hunt because our candidate is female!”

And hold on a minute, now: is it sexist to call Sarah Palin McCain’s running mate? What does that imply about her character, his honor? How does her husband feel? McCain’s wife? Can we drum up a debate about that?

Look: nihilism is fun, no doubt. Especially the everyday variety! Want to spice up what would otherwise be a dull conversation? Just deny the value of any kind of morality and scoff at the notion that history has any relevance to the present. Evil has dabbled in his fair share of nihilism, always wondering what would happen if it went mainstream. Well, here we are, watching our political parties embrace it with gusto. And it sure loses its luster when the establishment grabs hold of it.

Deny all connection to the past! Forge new principles on the fly! Scorn any notions that what you said yesterday applies to anything you say today! It’s the Transformers election! Yesterday’s bold stance isn’t so much a solid foundation for today’s sound-bite . . . it’s more like a waterbed mattress. On which shrieking idiot children are jumping.

. . . Those would be your candidates. Those would be your parties.

Now. Lest ye think the National Evil is one of those nonparticipating complainers who claims that voting doesn’t matter, just know this: last weekend he convinced a non-voter to reverse course and take part in this election! That’s how deeply he cares about the beautiful if messy process of democracy. . . .

Though he doesn’t feel the swell of pride he expected. Truth to tell, it felt like convincing someone to get a colonoscopy. Necessary, yes. Life-saving? Possibly. But in any way pleasant and noninvasive? No chance.

Coming soon: The National Evil Guide to Discerning How You Are Part of the Problem! (Hint: if you consider yourself part of either party’s “base” . . . tag! You’re it!)


5 thoughts on “election 2008: democrabots vs. republicons”

  1. Though I have to admit I fucking love this summary, and simultaneously strongly disagree with at least half of it, I’m kinda nervous about the next installment.

    Although, who am I fooling? Both parties are falling all over themselves to put as much distance between my pinko faggot plague-riddled ass and them as possible.

    I take it as the highest compliment they have the power to bestow.

    But, hell, I’ve got bigger enemies to deal with tonight. Johnny Depp and Peter O’Toole must be stopped!

  2. I think, for me, what sums the whole two surrealist weeks of this election up the best has been the “pig in lipstick” controversy. You read it in context, and then you look at the fallout, and it’s completely incomprehensible except that McCain is grasping at absolutely anything to use as a weapon, whether or not it makes sense. And that’s not to let the left off the hook, either. God knows we’ve been grasping at straws, as well. But the whole thing has been the most childish and truly bizarre spectacle I’ve ever watched, and where I was so hopeful a new era was upon us, I’m even more devastated to realize things are just getting worse and worse all over.

  3. if sarah palin was from alabama, a state noted for its pig-fucking, it would make sense as an insult. but, to the evil’s knowledge, alaskans prefer moose-fucking. so it just doesn’t wash.

  4. I really must add to my “future projects” list a documentary featuring the perversities associated with each of our glorious fifty states. It could even spin off into tourist bureau marketing slogans. “Virginia Is for Downstream Coprophagia!”, for instance.

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