election 2008: pigs in lipstick, every one’a ya

Evil had good intentions. He did. He was going to examine the current political fray with a discerning eye, an insouciantly cocked eyebrow, and a pupil dilated by his joy in the democratic process. Then it happened.

—Wait, no, sorry: pigs in liiiiiiipstick! (For a brief history of this sexy phenomenon, clicka here.)

Evil saw the headlines about this “issue” but avoided reading about it for fear of his head a’sploding. But then frequent commenter Vic (check out the Haunt of Victory here) dropped a comment that compelled the Evil to examine “Lipstickgate.” Evil would like to thank Vic for forcing him to face up to his fears . . . and damn him for doing same.

Evil’s first reaction was to begin another post thusly: “OK, Evil is going to stop writing about politics. You’re either smart enough not to pay attention to swine cosmetology or so stupid it will decide your vote. Either way, there is nothing anyone can say to change that.”

But the Evil realized he can’t think of anyone he knows who hasn’t already decided how they’ll vote, lipstick-on-a-pig or no. If you read this and are undecided, please tell the Evil! He needs to know you’re out there! Anyone . . . anyone?


Most all of us at one time or another have harbored the bitter suspicion that our votes don’t matter because some secret cabal of multimillionaires controls everything anyway. (Raise your hands if you’re sure!) Or maybe a handful of computer techies running the electronic voting machines. . . .

But no: truth is, maybe a couple million undecided people in a handful of swing states will make the call. And who knows what they’ll respond to? Do they care that our military leaders in Afghanistan admit the situation is deteriorating? Or will they be convinced that Barack Obama was comparing Sarah Palin to a pig—even though he was talking about McCain’s remarks, not Palin’s?

Who’da’ve ever thunk it would come to this? Joe Sixpack of Toledo, or Jane Doe of Boulder, or . . . or . . . Inglebert Schlabotnik of Scranton . . . will be choosing your next president. And maybe Joe fell off a ladder while cleaning his gutters the day before the election, and he hits the voting booth with a splitting headache that makes it hard to read the screen. And maybe Jane has horrible memories of being called a “pig” in high school and resents Obama for “bringing it back to the forefront.” And maybe Inglebert has been saddled with that horrific name all his life, and resents those blessed with simple, all-American names like “John McCain.”

That’s how it’ll go down: the triumph of the common citizen over . . . everything. Democracy: huzzah!

Just remember what Evil’s grandaddy told him: “You can put lipstick on a pig, but that don’t make it any easier to fuck.”


4 thoughts on “election 2008: pigs in lipstick, every one’a ya”

  1. All I haven’t decided on yet is whether or not to learn how to build bombs. Seriously. It’s strange — most people go through an “anarchist” phase when they’re fifteen or so. I thought I was a Communist when I was fifteen. It’s only lately I’m getting around to realizing they’re all the same. All of them. And we couldn’t be much worse off if they all were to disappear tomorrow. In fact, we’d probably be better off.

    The problem with democracy is that most people are fucking idiots, especially lately. It’s like dogs. Wolves have much higher intelligence than domestic dogs do. Why? Because they have to! They need to strategize and figure out how to survive another day. Domestic dogs mostly sleep, but sometimes they wake up and lick their nuts. Then they go back to sleep again. And that’s America in a nutshell — fluctuating between falling asleep out of utter boredom from having it too damn good, and waking up to whack off while watching the tube, then falling asleep again in the afterglow.

    Give these people the power to make laws that impinge on other people’s lives, or even on their ability to live at all, and it’s just a damn mess, and I hate all of them at this point. All a bunch of crooks and liars out to manipulate people anyway they can.

    I have to admit, though — this campaign season would be a hilarious comedy if it weren’t real.

  2. Also, I did want to say that I get that “Thank you/Damn you” routine way too often. I wonder what’s up with that? But, anyway, I never would have guessed I could have helped Evil overcome his fears, if only of pigs in lipstick, but I’m glad I could help.

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