kill a man with your bare hands: step 5

Note: The following is an excerpt from Kill A Man With Your Bare Hands: An On-the-Go Guide To Achieving Nietzchian Supermanhood. Click here to find out more about this exciting self-help book!

Step 5: Break into a secure location.

One of the ultimate signifiers of supermanhood is the ability to come and go as you please into any museum, mansion, or compound, no matter how well secured. Walls cannot stop the superman, be they walls of balsa or three-inch tempered steel. Nor lasers, nor security guards, nor snarling rottweilers, if you follow these steps:

Step 5(A): Break into said secure location by rappelling down from a skylight. Sure, there may be other paths into the location in question. A natty disguise (“I say, wherever did Lord Hogginbotham get off to? The Museum of Godless Extravagance closes in five minutes!”) might serve, or a crawl through the rat- and C.H.U.D.-infested sewers—might, that is, for the averageman. But not the superman. The essence of supreme achievement can only be represented by descending on the humdrum world from above. Therefore, you’ll need to use some kinda laser or saw to open the skylight (don’t forget to disarm the rooftop alarms first!), then drop feather-light into the maw.

Step 5(B): Navigate a laser-defense system. Always a must. If, like Catherine Zeta-Jones (Fig. 1), you happen to be dead sexy, feel free to bend, writhe, and contort yourself in the most suggestive ways possible as you slither toward your target.

Mmm . . . Fig. 1 . . .

If you happen to not be especially attractive, eh, maybe short out the laser-defense circuit. A screwdriver and a pair of pliers will do.

Step 5(C): Steal whatever’s inside the laser-defense system. Some ludicrously outsize jewel is always a good bet. (See the acclaimed jewel-heist documentary The Great Muppet Caper [Fig. 2].)

Fig. 2: The fabulous Baseball Diamond.

Sure, you won’t be able to unload such a conspicuous object on the black market, but that’s not the point. For all you care, you could chuck the Screw You, Dig Harder Diamond in the sewer for the C.H.U.D.s. The point isn’t the money, it’s the conquest of one more step on the stairway to supermanhood.

A jewel will do in a pinch, but the height of superheisting can really only be achieved by stealing something ancient, evil, and cursed. An urn, or a golden skull, or an idol representing Otopaki, the Monkey God. These items were already stolen from their native cultures, which makes your theft not only professional, but cultural. Plus, stealing one of these babies gets you one step closer to Step 6: Solve the riddle of the Mummy’s Curse!


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