in these times of economic crisis, scientists! save the day

A living metaphor for your endangered finances.

Today the Evil took a break from reading up on the crumbling world financial ecosystem—folly o’ man, hubris, big swinging Wall Street dicks suddenly and emphatically shriveling, and by the way, put it on the American taxpayer’s tab—and searched for something lighter, weirder, and less predictable. And lo, as ever, did science come through!—courtesy of this headline:

Scientists to count kangaroo rats from outer space

There’s something wonderfully barmy going on in this headline and throughout the article. First off, there’s that sensation of filmstrip pop and hiss, grainy black and white footage, a self-assured narrator telling us how lab-coated, black-frame-bespectacled “scientists!” are even now collaborating to solve all the world’s ills. Evil always feels a rush of nostalgia for that ‘50s-style optimistic futurism when he reads about “scientists!” doing anything. Not biologists, understand, or chemists or botanists or paleontologists. Just . . . scientists!

In fact, one has to read into the seventh paragraph of said article to find any reference more specific than “scientists” or “researchers.” Evil doesn’t know why, though he suspects it might be an editorial decision—something along the lines of “If you lead with ‘Microbiologists discover’ or ‘Geologists are studying’, people’s eyes cross and they skip the rest of the article. But you lead with ‘Scientists’ and people really pay attention, because who knows what those kooky eggheads are up to? Read on!”

. . . So let’s make that a grammatical rule, shall we? When presented with the vague machinations of scientific advance, let us dub the personages in question scientists! with that exclamation point to express just how . . . how . . . scientastic they are.

Evil is also fond of the term “outer space”—which makes it sound as if these scientists! are observing the giant kangaroo rats from a starship deep in the Andromeda galaxy . . . rather than the boring ol’ satellite from which they’re pulling images.

In such times as these, we should all take a moment to appreciate the optimistic vagaries of “research” done by our intrepid “scientists!” from “outer space.” It beats reading about the clusterfucking intricacies of credit-default swaps.

Enjoy the weekend. If possible, don’t default.

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2 thoughts on “in these times of economic crisis, scientists! save the day”

  1. This piece literally made me laugh out loud (WITH Lots O’ Love, but more on that later…) sooooo hard I started coughing up blood! Which only made me laugh HARDER!

    But, that’s not what’s freaking me out.

    What really makes me nervous is that the mental image of “scientists!” from Cold War era “educational” propaganda filmstrips talkin about kangaroo rats from “outer space” has made me suddenly hornier than I’ve been in about five solid years.

    And still coughing up blood.

    I don’t know what any of that is about, but I don’t want to know, either. “‘Scientists!’ Discover Vic Is One Seriously Warped Sonofabitch from Outer Space.”

    I shall spend the rest of the evening forcing myself to think about Joan Rivers, try and get over all that….

  2. I mean, seriously, where is the “pray the ‘scientist kink’ away” camp for ME? I wasn’t born this way! I swear to GOD!

    Yeah, but who would I have to turn to to prove I wasn’t?

    Ah…..

    I am damned, damned, damned….

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