We’re finally here: Friday night births the first debate of the 2008 presidential election season . . . unless, of course, the bat signal flashes over Capitol Hill, summoning John McCain back to . . . well, no one is sure. Congress just hammered out this seven hundred BILLION dollar bailout, so there’s really no reason for him to skip the debate now. The Evil is betting McCain makes it to the podium after all—because no one wants a Harvard-educated lawyer 25 years his junior calling him a pussy. Which is what the Evil would do in Barack Obama’s place: show up, stand behind your own podium . . . look at the vacant podium . . . then to the American people . . . and roll your eyes as if to say, “How pathetic is that?”
Either way, we should be in for some good subpolitical theatre.
Now: whenever the debate is on, and on like Donkey Kong, we as citizens have two sacred obligations:
One, to watch our stalwart candidates verbally spar, that we may make a more informed voting decision.
Two, to lay the ground rules for the requisite Presidential Debate Drinking Game, that we may endure this rhetorical hootenanny.
Evil fuzzily remembers debates past, when “WMD”, “freedom” and “the terrorists win” got him suitably hammered. This year, he proposes the following rules.
Take a shot whenever either candidate says the word:
“Reform” or “reformer.”
“Business as usual.”
Take a shot whenever Obama says:
“Four more years of the Bush presidency.”
Take a shot whenever McCain says:
Take two shots if either candidate attempts to rhyme “Ahmadinejad” with “bad” or “jihad.”
Take three shots if either candidate attempts to rhyme “Ahmadinejad” with “Trinidad.”
Down the entire bottle if Obama says:
“Hell yes, I voted to teach kindergarteners sex-ed, just like the McCain ad says—and I’d do it again in a minute!”
Do the same if McCain says:
“Hell yes, I see eye-to-eye with Rush Limbaugh on immigration, just like the Obama ad says—get ‘em outta here!”
Pass out in a pool of your own vomit if Hillary Clinton emerges from backstage with a folding chair and bashes Obama over the head.
Those should be enough to have you knee-walking to the voting booth. If you have any suggestions, Evil would love to hear them.
Enjoy the weekend. If possible, debate Israeli-Syrian relations with someone you love.