That sly come-hither stare . . .
Journalism is a tough racket these days. The pay is abominable, jobs are disappearing, and the average American blames the media for . . . everything. It has to be a Herculean chore just to get out of bed each morning and schlep on down to the daily rag. But there still must be those halcyon days—when the right story hits, you feel that rush tingling up from your vestigial tail, and the words fly off your fingertips. Check out the lead for this lucky bastard’s story:
A Calhoun County man who sodomized a sheep will not have to register as a sex offender because the sheep cannot be considered a victim of sexual assault under Michigan law, a court ruled this week.
Just writes itself, doesn’t it?
Evil senses your first reaction; you read this, did a double-take, and said to yourself: “Wait—Michigan? Not Alabama? Michigan?”
That’s right: the Wolverine State is branching out into whole new vistas of sexual endeavor. (And really, Alabamanians are much more into pig-fucking, on account of the pigs feel more like people.)
How could one possibly get away with sheep-fucking in our enlightened times? Well . . .
[…] the judges said the sheep could not be considered a victim, because victims, under Michigan law, are defined as “individuals.”
So basically, it sucks to be a member of the species whose name stands for bland homogeny.
The kicker is, this kind of story is the only type of reporting from which the average American won’t draw some negative conclusion about the insidious, villainous media. Clearly, both the offender and the judges are batshit insane, and the writer is simply reporting the fact. No hidden agenda. But in every case of reportage beyond this “News of the Weird” kind of story, journalists are seen as manipulative agents of some mysterious power intent on misleading us all for purposes murky at best.
Take, for example, the current gas shortage in Evil’s home state of Georgia. Evil has heard many a friend and coworker claim this panic is “the media’s fault.” If you posited that theory to every American, Evil bets you two-thirds of them would agree. And yet, if you asked every person in the U.S., ONE HUNDRED PERCENT would claim they “never believe what they read or hear in the media.” Yes: we are all too jaded and sophisticated to buy into the bullshit the journalists are selling. And yet, when something untoward happens and people start acting like panicked, well, sheep . . . it’s the media’s fault.
But you see—it’s not you who’s acting like an idiot . . . it’s all those other people. So what we’re basically saying is not that we blame the media—but that we believe most of our fellow citizens are total fucking idiots.