The National Evil relaxes, preparing to take in all the joys of October.
Finally! One of the year’s three Great Months looms over the next black horizon: October, a.k.a. National Evil Month. The weather is cool and crisp, pumpkin seeds roast in the oven, meaningful college football games rain on ye like Hail Mary passes. Ominous winds blow, life withers on the vine, the Grim Reaper takes long romantic walks with your mortal soul—perfection!
In honor of October—which the Evil will not debase by affixing to it some sophomoric nickname like “Rocktober” or “Schlocktober”—all of this coming month’s posts will be horror-, terror-, and fear-related. In addition, Evil will pull his own spooky stunt by disappearing for ten straight days! Where will he go? To a land of wind and ghosts, no doubt.
Evil has crunched the numbers, and for October he guarantees you:
50% more gratuitous viscera!
30% more heebie-jeebies!
76% more disgustitude!
60% more red-hot werewolf eroticism!
80% more crap-your-pants, jaw-dropping bad taste!
14% more dangling entrails!
27% more mad science!
But first thing’s first—let’s talk about the strata of months, which fall into four discernable categories. The Evil isn’t sure why this isn’t taught to every elementary school student. Maybe he was sick that day.
The Great Months: April, May, October. When the weather is fall-asleep-on-your-porch perfect.
The Weather-Permittingly Good Months: March, June, July, September. Depending on your social plans during these months, they can be upgraded to Great. Or if that last cold snap hits in March, or the heat is brutal in June and July, or if the summer just won’t let go in September, they can be decidedly mediocre.
The Holirrific Months: November and December. Nothing gets done. You leave work early every day to, ahem, “Pick up my parents at the airport” or “Get that turkey in the oven.” And no one calls bullshit on you, because they’re all equally full of it. Perhaps we should call them the “Wink-Wink Months.”
The Suck Months: January, February, August. By the time you hit these months, you’re either sick of the heat or sick of the cold.
OK, that’s it for the learnin’. Now for the—
Robots! Zombies! Zombie Robots! Monsters, Critters, Gargantui, Abominations, Aberrations, Desecrations, Dismemberations, Lacerations, Undead Nations, Live Cremations, Incantations, Black Cats, Vampire Bats, Stovepipe Hats (Not creepy, you say? What if Evil told you skeletons would be wearing them? Eh? Eh?), Necromancy, Necrophilia, Necrodisiacs, Necrobotics . . .
Er, that pretty much brings us around full circle.
Enjoy . . . and begin running for your lives . . . now.