election 2008: questions we should ask our candidates . . . but won’t

The first/only Vice Presidential Debate drops tonight. A dozen crucial issues in our lives spawn a thousand key questions we should be posing to anyone running for office in 2008 . . . but you know we won’t hear them posed to our candidates. No, no—it’ll be all about the bailout, Iraq, looking at Russians from your house. Pittances!

. . . When we all know the questions we really need answers to. Herewith, what every American should be asking of his or her candidates:

1. During a state dinner at the White House, you finally meet your first foreign head of state. Who turns out to be . . . a mummy! Do you shake the mummy’s hand, or do you risk an international snafu by refusing to for fear of being infected with the mummy’s 4,000-year-old curse? Governor Palin, first answer to you.

2. A small town in Middle America’s hundred-year-tradition of displaying a nativity scene on the lawn of its city hall has been challenged. The Church of Satan, a legally recognized nonprofit faith-based organization, is suing to have its own “Black Nativity” displayed next to the traditional one. Would you support the equal rights of the Satanists, or would you move to have all nativities removed as a clear violation of the constitutional separation of church and state? Senator Biden, you’ll field this one first.

3. Residents of Laguna del Negra, a posh resort community, are being terrorized by a mutant fishman. While the National Guard moves in, reliable reports indicate the dumping of toxic chemicals into the lagoon caused the creature’s mutation. However, the guilty pharmaceutical company was your campaign’s top financial contributor in the last election. Where do you stand on this issue, Governor Palin?

4. A nosferatu is suing his local blood bank for denying him employment on what he claims are discriminatory grounds. The blood bank responds that it can clearly not trust a vampire to work the night shift, during which it would be left alone with hundreds of quarts of fresh, succulent blood. Does the blood bank’s stance violate the Equal Opportunity Act, Senator Biden?

5. Zombies have overtaken the White House! Conventional weapons are useless against them; the only way to ensure their destruction is by burning the White House down–destroying hundreds of priceless antiques and the symbol of American power in the process. Do you do it? Bonus question: can you name the first group of pasty-white Anglo-Saxons to burn down a White House? Governor Palin, to you.

6. Incarcerated supervillain/mad scientist Dr. Lava presents a plan to end global warming via a super-laser of his invention. He will construct this contraption on the condition that he is unconditionally released from his top-secret, maximum-security supervillain prison. Knowing the odds are great that Dr. Lava will instead build some kind of death ray to use against America, is the reward of ending global warming worth the risk? Senator Biden?

Have some questions of your own? Submit them to the Evil; he’ll see what he can do. In the meantime:

Enjoy the weekend. If possible, keep an eye on those pesky Russians.


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