the national evil “faces of death” psychological survey

Wow, so . . . subtle.

This year marks the 30th anniversary of Faces of Death, a documentary examining the myriad ways one can meet his or her demise. It’s reputedly one of the most disturbing pieces of film ever thrown together. Evil wouldn’t know; Blockbuster didn’t carry it back in the day.

The local video store did, however. Before Blockbuster drove the locals out of business, Evil and Brother Evil attempted to rent FoD (preferred nomenclature for this film, as in “Kneel before FoD!”). On the day we worked up the nerve to try and pass ourselves off as mature enough to fool the owners into letting us rent it, though, FoD was out of stock. So we rented Pet Cemetery instead.

This being National Horror Month in addition to the anniversary of FoD, now—now!—NOW!—is the time to offer you, dear reader, the simplest, most revealing psychological test you will ever take. The answer to the one question you must know the answer to: when it’s time for you to go, how would you choose to snuff it?

Why must you know the answer? Because inevitably you will fall into the hands of a diabolical fiend intent on watching your messy demise. Why is that? Because, by reading this, you are associating yourself in the minds of Evil’s enemies with the Evil himself, and by that association subjecting yourself to the future recriminations and revenge fantasies said enemies intend to inflict upon the Evil. It’s going to happen. Be prepared.

So. After the jump, get ready to answer. Would you rather:

Be shot or stabbed?

Be hanged or beheaded?

Be eaten by a shark or alligator?

Be eaten by lion, tiger, or bear? (Kansas farmgirls only.)

Be shot into a wall of spikes via cannon or flung via catapult?

Suffocate in the endless vacuum of deep space or the crushing depths of the ocean?

Burn alive via acid or fire?

Explode or implode?

Die because of a malfunctioning parachute or defibrilator?

Be murdered by a total stranger or someone close to you?

Be buried alive or left out in the desert to die?

Be crushed in a vise or drawn and quartered?

Be hacked to kibble by a chainsaw or ax?

Die peacefully in your sleep or while having mindblowingly acrobatic sex?

Now: you may either hold these answers close, fearing to let a murmur of your deepest fears escape your heart . . . or you may answer below, in which case the Evil will analyze your responses and give you a quick summary of how you are likely to go.

The choice is yours.

Or is it?

(Answer: No.)


2 thoughts on “the national evil “faces of death” psychological survey”

  1. Maybe I should go all Lorquesque and start making my prophecies now so everybody in the future can ooooh and aaaah at how marvelously tuned-into the music of the spheres I am, but if so, I really need to hatch a more elaborate and less-likely plot than the one I have at present, something involving complex conspiracies,nefarious forces and the obligatory missing corpse.

    As things stand, however, I will give the signal that it’s time, Raul will carry me up to the top of the rock, we’ll pretend (as we do) that we can see the faintest hint of Long Island Sound dancing along the horizon due south of here, and he’ll shoot me up with enough morphine to hook every elephant in Kenya for good and all while he sings me to sleep. Then he’ll carry the remains back down to the storage shed we’ve been living in and he can either A) hope the official pronouncers of death take one look at what a god-awful looking corpse I’m leaving behind and decide not to ask questions, or B) act like it was an accident.

    On the other hand, there’s a very good possibility the lesions in my lungs will hemorrhage more than I’m able to cough up and I’ll just drown in my own blood.

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