where in the world is the national evil?

A reputedly accurate current portrait of Evil.

GUANGZHOU, CHINA (AP) — The question burns like a drop of tabasco dribbled on a woman’s tongue as she’s about to perform fellatio on her boyfriend: where is the National Evil?

Evil swore to return to these parts on Wednesday, October 29. If he did, he has remained strangely silent.

Rumors have placed him in south China, where he reputedly ventured in order to find a quote “perfectastic Halloween get-up.” One resident of Guangzhou, China, who asked not to be named when speaking of the Evil, claims that she saw him enter the decrepit shop of a wizened merchant. Everyone in the neighborhood feared this merchant intensely, as he is said to possess the power to curse those who displease him.

According to this witness’ report, Evil strutted and/or sauntered into the shop wearing a vivid red military jacket adorned with bright gold epaulets. Presumably, this jacket was an element of his “perfectastic” costume.

Minutes passed before shouts emanated from the shop. Most of the locals cleared out, fearing the ancient shopkeeper. Apparently, however, the unwise Westerner did not. The witness in question claims she heard the Evil loudly berating the old man using words she recognized from R-rated Hollywood movies.

Then a blinding flash lit the shop’s doorway, followed by peals of red smoke. Moments later a black and white dog emerged from the shop—a dog wearing the same red jacket the Evil had been wearing upon entering the shop.

When questioned by the police, the woman, a painter by trade, produced the above portait of the National Evil’s “current state.” His current whereabouts, however, remain unknown.

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