the true meaning of halloween

It isn’t this. Hey, we’re as surprised as you are.

As we wrap up National Evil Month, it’s time to sit back and reflect upon what the Season of the Witch means to each and every one of us spiritually. Some of seek the comfort and advice of our unholy priests, performing black masses in deep wooded glens. Or else we simply wait till the end of the goat sacrifice and kneel on the bloodsoaked earth to reflect silently and stain perfectly good culottes.

Or, failing that, we consult the National Evil.

What is the true meaning of Halloween?

Is it encompassed by masses of children flooding neighborhood streets in a ravenous quest for sugary treats? No.

How about drunken sorority girls skanked up in their “sexy such-and-such” (vampire, cat, nurse, pirate, bee, whatever) costumes? Nah. Getting closer, though.

Is it about fear? One last irreverent explosion of festivity before the crushing trio of short days, bitter cold, and nekkid trees arrives to remind us that life is fleeting and next year’s crop might fail, leaving us destitute and starving? Hmm. That’s pretty good. But no, no. That might have been what our medieval ancestors thought, but they also thought leeching sick people was a good idea.

Halloween, people, is all about one thing: HATING THE SOUTHERN HEMISPHERE.

Meet the enemy.

Yes—just as the good people of the Northern Hemisphere huddle together for precious warmth, our antipodean nemeses yawn, stretch, and start removing articles of clothing in preparation for their balmy summer. And it ain’t like the winters in South America, southern Africa, Australia and Oceania are all that bruising to begin with. So let’s call our winter their “summer 2.”

Angry yet? You should be. As you shovel snow from your driveway, think about an Aussie snorkeling the Great Barrier Reef. Or a Papua New Guinean headshrinker sunning himself on a bed made from the inflated stomachs of his enemies.

Oh, you’ll hear them protest: We have Antarctica. We’re cold, too. Sorry, Southern Hemishphereans, no dice. Relegating all your cold to one icy continent is cheating.

So get out there and eat your sugary snacks, wear your barely-there ‘stume, celebrate the coming darkness. Just don’t forget that an entire hemisphere of people is laughing at you while wearing their bikinis in January. Your rage will keep you warm the winter through.

Enjoy the halloweekend. If possible, wear something unbelievably skanky.


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