president-elect obama creates new “secretary of evil” cabinet post

Yes we can, did . . . and will.

CHICAGO (AP) — In one of his first pronouncements as president-elect, Barack Obama announced the creation of a new cabinet post, “Secretary of Evil.” Obama tabbed Luciferous P. Friendly, better known as the National Evil, to fill this position.

“It is time,” said Obama, “to recognize the wicked coolness of Evil.”—referring both to the basic moral concept and to Mr. Friendly, a.k.a. the National Evil, himself.

How exactly will the new Secretary of Evil serve this administration? “He has already begun,” confirmed the president-elect. “We’ve had informal policy discussions this week, during which the Secretary has helped me map out which kinds of evil are wicked cool and which just suck.”

For instance? “Mr. Friendly has started typing up a comprehensive list of inanimate objects that, though appearing cool, are inherently evil.” As such, the president-elect went on to say, all grandfather clocks, which are “standard (bad) evil”, will be removed from the White House upon his inauguration. Presidential busts, on the other hand, fall under the heading “wicked evil”, and will not only remain in the executive mansion, but be consulted as oracles.

“For too long,” Obama proclaimed before a crowd estimated at 200,000, “we have belittled the role of evil in our lives. Tonight we as Americans embrace the evil within us.”

Mr. Friendly could not be reached for comment, as he is busy perusing the contents of the White House dumpsters for accidentally-discarded wickedly evil knickknacks.


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