presenting a college football trophy worthy of the evil

No picture can do it justice . . .

Though a National body, the Evil hails from the balmy South, where college football Matters. Note the capital M. Evil understands that Michigan packs 100,000 fans in its stadium. That Ohio State fans burn couches when the Buckeyes win. That Nebraska’s stadium, when full, is the second-largest population center in the Cornhusker State.

All true, but people are rarely murdered over game results elsewhere than the South. As stated: college football Matters.

That said, Evil has always found it puzzling that one of the noblest traditions in college sports, the rivalry game trophy, is largely lacking in the South. You have your Apple Cup (awarded to the winner of the Washington-Washington State tilt), the Little Brown Jug (Minnesota-Michigan), the Old Brass Spittoon (Indiana-Michigan State), the Old Oaken Bucket (Indiana-Purdue). . . .

Do a little research and you’ll note that most of these trophies are issued in Midwestern climes. Perhaps that’s because football is a more polite pursuit thereabouts. Aside from Paul Bunyan’s Axe (Minnesota-Wisconsin), most of the trophies are things farmers might have won off each other betting on pig racing. Maybe such prizes haven’t caught on in SEC country because they just don’t fit the savagery of the game down here.

Except for one.

The Evil was stunned—stunned!—to learn of the existence of this trophy battled over by, of all schools, Cincinnati and Louisville: the Keg of Nails.

THE KEG OF MOTHERFUCKING NAILS!

Now that is a trophy. One worthy of the vitriol, passion, and occasional gunplay fomented by Southern football. As such, Evil believes a horde of SEC fans should descend upon this year’s Bearcats-Cardinals game and seize the Keg of Nails for their ownsome. And a trophy of such majesty would not be issued after just some rivalry game, oh no, but awarded to the SEC champion after the annual championship game in Atlanta.

Make it happen, Deep South college football aficionados. Your hate has made you powerful!