urgent request! venture capital needed for national evil restaurant concept!


Genius . . . sheer genius . . .

Today at work the Evil got into a discussion about food trends—starting with the casual-dining-industry-invented “chipotle.” Remember when “chipotle” meals simultaneously appeared on every menu in America over a one-month period? The world hadn’t seen such a seamless mobilization since D-Day.

Anyway, the conversation wound its way to fondue. Evil reminisced—a little teary-eyed, admitted, but that was pepper-spray related, no doubt—about the spread of Melting Pot franchises among the Atlanta suburbs. Whilst in high school, taking a date to the fondue place was the height of teenage suavity. Fondue parties ran rampant over social calendars. Fondue blazed like a comet through America’s consciousness . . . and then snuffed out.

Granted: fondue is a pain in the ass. The chance of burning your dips is high to astronomical, as is the likelihood of having trouble with your spearables, leading to crumbled bread and severed fruit stumps sinking desultorily into the mire.

Still, it seems to the Evil that molten foods have a place in American culture. Even better, he’s pretty sure he knows what that place is. Even best, he just needs a few tens of thousands of dollars to see his concept spring to ungainly life. Please read the following pitch and give generously.

“Voodoo Fondue: Casual Dining and Coping.

“At Voodoo Fondue, diners custom-chisel each spearable foodstuff—be it strawberry, bread, or cheese cube—into a tiny voodoo doll representing someone they despise. Are you cursed with a lifelong nemesis? Or just pissed off at the better half? Or angry with the entire football team you lost a hundred bucks on? Whoever the target of your rage may be, simply shape your grudges into edible treats . . . and then dip.

“Each fondue pot of cheese or chocolate is helpfully labeled for your ministrations of pain and retribution. Imagine plunging your boss into a pot labeled LAVA. Feels good, doesn’t it? How about that annoying neighbor who blasts music at three in the morning—wouldn’t it be nice to immerse him in MOLTEN LEAD? Or maybe you’re more of an ACID BATH personality—you decide!

“Voodoo Fondue: It’s Nutritious, Delicious, and Malicious!”


3 thoughts on “urgent request! venture capital needed for national evil restaurant concept!”

  1. I have no money, but I’m floored to hear that it took Ssssooooooo long for Fondue to make it’s way to Georgia. Up here, fondue was one of the hallmarks of seventies suburban culture, the culinary equivalent to polyester leisure suits, string-art, and wife-swopping. I always thought all those things were way too much work just to be hip and trendy. Not really so much a non- conformist as too lazy to put in the necessary effort at these things. Besides, I didn’t have a wife, or permission to play with fire and tiny cauldrons.

    But voodoo is the ultimate labor-saving spiritual complex. Want your neighbor’s eye poked out but can’t be bothered to put down your bong, get up off the couch, find a fork, march next door, chase the guy down, pin him against the terrarium and manually start with the gouging? That’s okay, just mutter some gibberish while mangling a Spiderman action figure and the deed is as good as done.

    Now, Raul’s gonna get all pissy (haha–that just auto-corrected to “pussy,” which works just as well) that I have no appreciation for the ways of his ancestors and probably throw some kind of evil spell on me, but let me assure you, I have nothing but respect for any religion that involves colorful candles with awesomely surreal paintings of all the saints you’ve never heard of before, and then goes on to claim, for instance, that St. Barbara was actually an African man named Chango in drag. How fucking awesome is that?! Voodoo for the win!

  2. Well, if I must be absolutely corrupted by power (and I must) then it may as well be absolute power over the syncretic malevolence of melting cheese and hexerie.

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