Genius . . . sheer genius . . .
Today at work the Evil got into a discussion about food trends—starting with the casual-dining-industry-invented “chipotle.” Remember when “chipotle” meals simultaneously appeared on every menu in America over a one-month period? The world hadn’t seen such a seamless mobilization since D-Day.
Anyway, the conversation wound its way to fondue. Evil reminisced—a little teary-eyed, admitted, but that was pepper-spray related, no doubt—about the spread of Melting Pot franchises among the Atlanta suburbs. Whilst in high school, taking a date to the fondue place was the height of teenage suavity. Fondue parties ran rampant over social calendars. Fondue blazed like a comet through America’s consciousness . . . and then snuffed out.
Granted: fondue is a pain in the ass. The chance of burning your dips is high to astronomical, as is the likelihood of having trouble with your spearables, leading to crumbled bread and severed fruit stumps sinking desultorily into the mire.
Still, it seems to the Evil that molten foods have a place in American culture. Even better, he’s pretty sure he knows what that place is. Even best, he just needs a few tens of thousands of dollars to see his concept spring to ungainly life. Please read the following pitch and give generously.
“Voodoo Fondue: Casual Dining and Coping.
“At Voodoo Fondue, diners custom-chisel each spearable foodstuff—be it strawberry, bread, or cheese cube—into a tiny voodoo doll representing someone they despise. Are you cursed with a lifelong nemesis? Or just pissed off at the better half? Or angry with the entire football team you lost a hundred bucks on? Whoever the target of your rage may be, simply shape your grudges into edible treats . . . and then dip.
“Each fondue pot of cheese or chocolate is helpfully labeled for your ministrations of pain and retribution. Imagine plunging your boss into a pot labeled LAVA. Feels good, doesn’t it? How about that annoying neighbor who blasts music at three in the morning—wouldn’t it be nice to immerse him in MOLTEN LEAD? Or maybe you’re more of an ACID BATH personality—you decide!
“Voodoo Fondue: It’s Nutritious, Delicious, and Malicious!”