benedict, hollywood, satan, product placement: a national evil new year’s resolution


God to Benedict! You cannot risk losing your viselike grip on our pop-cultural imagination!

As the holiday season winds down, some will take stock of their lives. And some will resolve to improve the, shall we say, shoddier aspects of those lives. All will fail.

Evil? Evil will not be wasting the waning moments of 2008 pondering self-improvement. Evil’s fine, thankyaveddymuch. But he can think of a few—OK, a thousand—things the rest of the world could work on in 2009.

Example? Here’s one:

You always see articles and news segments dealing with the problems facing the Catholic church in America and Western Europe: declining number of parishioners, abuse scandals, issues of women in the clergy, birth control, all that jazz.

This got the Evil to thinking, and he realized there is one area where the Catholic church still dominates the spiritual world: horror movies. If your house is dripping blood or your sister is spewing pea soup, you call a priest. It’s just that simple. You’re not going to see any movies where a Presbyterian minister waltzes into The House on Hell Hill (copyright 2009 Zombie Mafia Productions, by the way).

Even as a kid Evil was aware of this. He didn’t understand much about Catholicism, but he always thought of priests as being kind of like God’s S.W.A.T. team: if Evil’s house ever possessed his dad and made him try to kill Evil’s family with a hacksaw, weren’t no sissy minister from Evil’s United Methodist church gonna save them.

. . . So for 2009, here’s a project for the Pope: instead of railing against the godless depravity that is Hollywood—Western culture—the modern, secular world—Benedict should hammer out a marketing deal with the studios. He must ensure that, like the cell phones and autos placed in every flick now, Catholicism’s costumes, its pageantry, its creepy Gothic churches, its incomprehensible dead language, remain preeminent in our frightened minds.

Benedict! You must not let the moviegoing public forget: In this paranoid, superstitious world, it’s comforting to know there’s a religion out there built specifically for those times when Satan takes a personal and lethal interest in the affairs of a mild-mannered, middle class American family.

Once you’ve hammered out that deal, Evil has more! Starting with a slogan for the church going into 2009: FREE YOUR SOUL AND YOUR ASS WILL FOLLOW.

Happy New Year, all. If possible, venture out in a diaper and sash.


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