Note: The following is an excerpt from Kill A Man With Your Bare Hands: An On-the-Go Guide To Achieving Nietzchian Supermanhood. Click here to find out more about this exciting self-help book!
Step 7: Take up cliff-diving.
Look at this picture. No—look at it.
To achieve any semblance of supermanhood, you’re eventually going to have to stand on the quivering brink of Mother Earth and stare down into the cruel depths of the vicious sea.
The sea: Man’s oldest, deadliest enemy. Swallower of Atlantis. Creative force behind the Titanic movie. Its sins are numberless.
You can blame this on the sea.
And now you must launch yourself torpedolike into its depths. Pierce the surface of its churning black heart, then burst free, sputtering and shaking the water from your hair, laughing contemptuously all the while. Remember: the Earth may be seventy percent water, but you are one hundred percent superman.
. . . Besides, in the course of your rise from wretched nobody to Man Among Men, you’re bound to make enemies . . . the kind of enemies who will first kidnap someone dear to you, then hurl them into the sea while forcing you to watch at gunpoint. And what will you do? You’ll run past your slack-jawed nemeses and fling yourself in right after that beloved someone. You’ll push air into their lungs, untie them, and beat back the giant octopus trying to make a meal of you both. Then you’ll jet to the surface as bullets rain down from the cliff above.
Show no mercy. Colossopus won’t.
And then—revenge. Sweet revenge. But it all starts with this step.
A few items of note concerning Step 7:
1. While you’re down there, see if you can’t dislodge a few pearls from their shells. That’s right: rob the sea.
2. The more jagged-rock-strewn the sea below you is, the more superman-points you get for diving.
3. The more shark-infested the waters, the more superman-points you get.
4. The more speedo-like your swim trunks are, the less superman-points you get.
Step 7(A). Belly flop. That sharp sensation you’ll feel is your spleen rupturing your kidneys as they shoot out your back.