is it wrong . . . ?


Paris Hilton hath desecrated this holy ground.

. . . That the Evil hates it when people say “film” and “cinema” when referring to movies?

Now. The National Evil is nothing if not the universal headquarters for the dissemination of unfettered joy as regards this kaleidoscope of experience we call life. (And the writing of ludicrously overwrought sentences.) In other words: we come not to bitch about things we hate. But this . . . this . . . “cinema” . . . “film” . . . is right durn stupid.

What’s wrong with plain old MOVIE? “Moving picture” itself was pretty sharp, especially when you could shorten that to simply “picture”—and especially especially when said in the right accent, pronouncing it “pik-CHAAAAH”—but one can’t resist the universal human urge to cut syllables. And MOVIE is a fine compromise.

Yes, yes . . . Evil understands that “cinema” is rooted in the French, and therefore sounds arty, and therefore must have been uncorked during the “auteur” era as a way to drag MOVIES up by their bootstraps into the artistic firmament with other, more respected disciplines. Worse, the rise of “cinema” has led to the rise of the “cineast,” which sounds less like a filmmaker and more like some kind of painful but nonlethal cyst.

And “film” pops up in previews when the fast-talking, caveat-spewing voice you hear at the end of every new drug ad murmurs: “This film is not yet rated.” So “film” has some kind of industry backing, including the now-ubiquitous-in-every-city “film festival.” But remember, this is the same industry that gave us The Hottie and the Nottie. So one can safely, and with righteous anger (that would be “ang-AAAAAH”) ignore the decrees of the MOVIEmaking industry.

The effect is most jarring when reading something on a site like Ain’t It Cool News. Look, Evil gets his geek on, he’s curious about what’s going on with Watchmen . . . but when someone is writing about Resident Evil 10 or whatever, and reports that “I enjoyed the last film well enough” . . . “Film?” Seriously? Are we still locked in the struggle to elevate the Resident Evil franchise to its deserved place beside the Godfather trilogy in the pantheon of great movie franchies? No. No, no, no, no, no. That’s a MOVIE, my friend.

. . . Or, if MOVIE isn’t up to your snuff, what’s wrong with “flick?” A delightful word! Or—and this is the one Evil is really ready to get behind—how about we go back to “talkie?”

Sure, sure—aside from the occasional indie flick, they’re ALL talkies now . . . so what if we reserve that title for the sensitive drama in which a family is thrust together by the fulcrum of parental illness, and six worthy character actors spend two hours in a three-bedroom house hashing through their grudges? That will be the new “talkie.” And from there we can jump off with new and awesome names . . . summer action flicks shall be dubbed “explodies.” Horror movies: “slashees.” Pixar movies: “ceegees.” Will Smith movies: “willies.”

Who can’t get behind this?


6 thoughts on “is it wrong . . . ?”

  1. I’ve rather recently retired from making… Well, I’ll just call them “documentaries” so as not to pick sides. And now I’ve been offered an opportunity to become what everybody else who can’t manage a career in the arts is — a critic! Until I read this article, it had never occured to me what a weighty decision I now face: when I fill-out my tax forms next year, what’s it gonna be?”Movie reviewer” or “film critic”?

    Thankfully, Jeff dropped by to crack a little joke that solves the matter definitively. Fag that I am, I really have no choice but to go with “film critic.” But, as I will be picking my own, um, “pieces” to view and write about, I’m pretty sure I don’t have to worry about any of the [I]Resident Evil[/I]s, so maybe it won’t much matter. [I]Motel Hell[/I], though… Now [b][I]THERE’S[/I][/b] a picture that deserved a franchise!

  2. You know, I’d already decided my first victim… er… “picture” would be Ingmar Bergman’s The Seventh Seal (not to be confused with The Seventh Month of Seal Brains), and thought back to this article, realizing that though all Swedish films are without exception “talkies,” if this had been a Hollywood project, it absolutely would have been an “explody.” I mean, seriously — a disillusioned military man returns from an idiotic war only to be followed around by a guy who looks like some kind of goth mime that wants to play a game, with the disgruntled GI’s life riding on the outcome. You really think an American director could settle this matter without casting Stallone in the lead and involving AK47s and plastic explosives?

    So, yeah, “explodies” it is.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s