Super Bowl Sunday approacheth, and if you don’t get hammered whilst watching—well, you’re betraying everything America stands for. To help you navigate these parlous waters, the National Evil offers this, the Official* Super Bowl Drinking Game. These 14 rules (in honor of Super Bowl XIV, the last time a 9-7 team made the Big’un) should find you suitably, patriotically blitzed at the end of the night.
Take a drink whenever:
I. Any network talking head says “Ben” or “Seven” instead of daring to have a go at “Roethlisberger.”
II. Anyone claims that Larry Fitzgerald has established himself over the course of these playoffs as the best receiver in football.
III. John Madden’s circle-and-arrow onscreen drawings begin to resemble two octopi in the throes of a mating frenzy.
IV. Someone who couldn’t otherwise give less of a crap about the game becomes giddy at the sight of a random celebrity in the stands.
V. Someone who couldn’t otherwise give less of a crap about the game shushes you because she “wants to see this commercial!”
VI. Anyone actually laughs at any of the ads.
VII. Any network talking head insists on saying “The National Football League” when “NFL” would suffice.
VIII. Anyone says “Terrible Towel” or “Steel Curtain.”
IX. Anyone recaps any element of Kurt Warner’s inspiring story from grocery bagger to two-time MVP.
X. A football newbie realizes, and states aloud, that Steelers coach Mike Tomlin looks exactly like Omar Epps.
XI. Troy Polamalu tosses his flowing head of hair, causing you to laugh at him before remembering he could drive you through a brick wall.
XII. Someone recaps any element of the Arizona Cardinals’ history of football futility.
XIII. The camera flashes to Jerome Bettis or Terry Bradshaw.
And . . . down a fifth of bourbon if:
XIV. Bruce Springsteen executes his own wardrobe malfunction during the halftime show. Yikes!
Enjoy the Super Bowl. If possible, find anyone—anyone!—rooting for the Cardinals.