shiny nuggets of workplace joy

Evil works in catalog design. It’s not bad, as production layout goes—beats the hell out of churning out grocery store ads. And while those who know the Evil have heard some crazy stories from his workplace, those tales involve his actual coworkers. The physical act of page layout, like the physical act of love between a long-married couple too repressed to try any position beyond the missionary, isn’t all that packed with drama.

(Tangent to debunk a common misconception: often people will make a remark along the lines of: “Of course the missionary position is boring—what did missionaries know about sex?” Faulty logic, people: these are missionaries we’re talking about, not priests. Missionaries were having all kinds of sex with the natives. In fact, recently uncovered journals from the Spanish missions to the New World, long suppressed by the Vatican, reveal graphic sketches by the missionaries themselves of just how many contortions the so-called “missionary position” entailed. These sketches, it has been said, put the Kama Sutra to shame.)

There is one element of page layout that pleases the Evil immensely. From time to time, when placing a lamp or a clock on a page, the following description is called for:

“Requires 3-AAA batteries.”

Why does Evil enjoy typing this line? Because he likes to imagine that this catalog’s recipient will read it and imagine that the Evil had a near-fall off a cliff while typing. As in, tappa-tappa-tappa—

“‘Requires 3’—AAA!—Watch out for that cliff! . . . Whew! That was close!–Where was I? That’s right—‘batteries.’”

—Or perhaps Evil was layout out this particularly page whilst riding a motorcycle as it performed a stunning jump over fourteen tractor trailers. Or whilst being attacked by a pack of jackals.

As the man says, whatever gets you through the day.

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