the evil that (snow)men do: a seasonal rant

Look at the above picture. No—look at it.

“OK,” you think, “what? Those snowmen have a pretty fly spaceship. Is that it?”

Granted, that is one nice starcruiser. But . . . no. There’s something else afoot here. That something would be Truth, of the capital-T variety.

As the resident of a Sun Belt state, Evil could count on one hand the number of times he has built a snowman. Even if he had gotten that hand caught in a bicycle chain at nine and lost three fingers. As such, Evil lacks the fond associations many of you must make when regarding snowpersons.

Evil is fairly certain snowmen are, well, evil. And not in that “so evil it’s good” way, like sex with an alien blowup doll.


Look at it . . . the fiend. Those wide, vacuous eyes. What are they hiding? And that plastered-on smile—can you ever trust anyone who always smiles? No, me hearties. And that nose! That’s a deadly weapon!

And—and—why is it wearing a scarf and hat? It can’t be cold—it’s a motherhumping SNOWMAN!

Now gaze at this picture—and know stark terror:


Note how they’ve given Frosty, King of All Snowmen, expressive, animated eyes. How they’ve whittled down his nose and put a cute lil’ flower on his hat.


Look: Evil is not here to piss on your rainbow of snowdrenched memories. But just know that, by participating in the creation of snowmen, you have allied yourself with the worst in all of us.

What brings on this flood of snowmotion? The fanfuckingtastically sterling Springlike weather we’re having here in the balmy South . . . and the knowing dread that, before the season of growth and renewal and bunnies bumping uglies begins, we’re due for another brutal cold snap. As you read this, Evil is sitting outside in his jockey shorts tappa-tapping away. But soon he will be cocooned once more in his winter coat.

Damn the Earth’s tilted axis!


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