hockey mask sex = the new hotness

jasonvoorheesnew

The Face of Love, 2009.

First off, let’s agree that there are two things everyone is looking for:

1. Love.

2. The slightest provocation to go on an insane rampage sporting a weedeater, a meat cleaver, and some manner of blunt, pummeling object—be it tire iron, Louisville slugger, or artificial limb.

Now that we’ve established those universal constants (and no, they’re not some sort of hippy-dippy “yin and yang of human existence” duo; cut that out), it should be noted that this weekend presents a possibly once, twice, or at most thrice-in-a-lifetime opportunity to—that’s right—

Merge them!

How often does a Friday the 13th precede Valentine’s Day? Evil certainly isn’t going to lower himself to the point of researching the matter, but it can’t be often. Especially considering the fact that there are probably more Friday the 13th sequels than Valentine’s Days you will ever truly, fondly remember, you don’t get many shots at this, the horror-themed lovefest.

Hockey mask sex! Ch ch ch ha ha ha. “Hey, honey, let’s play ‘doomed camp counselors at Crystal Lake!’”

The only other possible shot at this arrives every October, but it’s a pale imitation of the real thing. There is a little, obscure holiday, you see, called “Sweetest Day”—the Evil is fairly certain it hails from the hearts of stolid, decent Midwestern folk—that falls just before Halloween. This “Sweetest Day” isn’t about love, per se—it’s the holiday equivalent of “I like you to an extent just shy of that at which I would ever want to see you naked.” So conceivably you could show up at an almost-loved one’s door in a Michael Myers mask with a bouquet of non-rose flowers and a card reading “Let’s just be really, really, really good friends!”

. . . But it wouldn’t have the same impact, would it?

Enjoy the weekend. If possible, love someone tenderly after chasing them around the backyard with a rubber knife.

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