FACT: The Oscars are shite. Irrelevant. Bosh. On your deathbed, you will be able to sing the lyrics to ad jingles you heard 80 years ago . . . yet Evil challenges you to remember right now which movie won Best Picture in 1989. You can’t!
Also FACT: People still obsess over them anyway, compelling the Evil to acknowledge this annual rite of winter, which drops this coming Sunday, February 22.
The impending overlong, masturbatory clusterfuck that is the Academy Awards has gotten the Evil to thinking, though: someday, he will spawn a Lil’ Evil. And in order to shape (okay: warp) his fertile, developing mind, Evil will have to expose the Lil’ one to the movies that really, truly did matter over the years.
So. The challenge: if you were attempting to imbue your progeny with your ill-begotten you-ness, how would you do it? Answer: by making a list of the one movie from each year of your life that defined who you are, hope to be, and will never become.
But what would that list look like? And what are the odds that it would in any way resemble a list of concurrent Best Picture winners? Let’s find out!
We start at 1977, the year of Evil’s birth, as we present the Inaugural First Annual Yearly Ecademy Ewards! (The “E”s stand for evil . . . but you knew that.)
1977 Best Picture Winner: Annie Hall.
And the Eward goes to . . . Star Wars. No male born in 1977 could say otherwise. It is our birthright, for better or worse (more on that later). Now for some lightsaber sounds: Whum-whum . . . whuuuum . . . whuuuuuuum . . . .krhsstst! KRASZHKT!!!
1978 Best Picture Winner: The Deer Hunter.
And the Eward goes to . . . Animal House. Not the greatest year for movies, frankly. But Lil’ Evil needs to see this film to know that a fat slob can make off with the girl, even after spewing mashed potatoes at her. A-House will probably also have to stand in for other close-but-no-cigar comedies like Stripes and Caddyshack. (That’s right, we’re already handicapping future races!)
1979 Best Picture Winner: Kramer vs. Kramer.
And the Eward goes to . . . Apocalypse Now. As Coppola said: “This isn’t a movie about Vietnam. This is Vietnam.” Ludicrously grandiose statements of this nature will always find a place in the Evil family. Honorable mention to Alien, what with the stomach-rupturing live birth . . . but that scene was handled much more elegantly in Spaceballs.