the inaugural first annual yearly ecademy ewards, part 2: 1980-1989


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1980 Best Picture Winner: Ordinary People.
And the Eward goes to . . . The Empire Strikes Back. The only trick will be keeping the truth of Luke Skywalker’s parentage a secret from Lil’ Evil. The Ecademy would also like to commend Airplane! And here Evil feels he must also acknowledge Flash Gordon, which became a campy masterpiece to Evil’s friends in their 20s. The Father of Evil, however, loved Flash; therefore Evil was forced to watch it dozens of time during his childhood—before he was old enough to understand camp or kitsch—thereby staining his soul forever. It ain’t so funny when it happens to you.


1981 Best Picture Winner: Chariots of Fire.
And the Eward goes to . . . Raiders of the Lost Ark. The Greatest Movie Ever. Next.


1982 Best Picture Winner: Gandhi.
And the Eward goes to . . . Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!! Evil is in no way a Trekkie, but he feels Lil’ Evil needs at least a little grounding in Trek lore, and this is by far, by FAR, the best of the bunch. Evil and his brother must have watched Wrath fifty times in the ‘80s.


1983 Best Picture Winner: Terms of Endearment.
And the Eward goes to . . . Return of the Jedi. If Evil was trying to be hip—or hip-hop—he would claim Scarface, then force Lil’ Evil to hang the ubiquitous Scarface poster in his room. But that would be an injustice. Jedi is nothing if not instructive—remember when we all thought this was the least of the Star Wars movies? How innocent we were!


1984 Best Picture Winner: Amadeus.
And the Eward goes to . . . Ghostbusters. It’s hard not to choose The Terminator—the second movie Evil and his brother watched at least 50 times during the ‘80s—but no other flick combines the holy trinity of Evil’s most deeply-held beliefs: Bill Murray, the undead, and ancient pagan gods come back to destroy the earth. Ghostbusters it is.


1985 Best Picture Winner: Out of Africa.
And the Eward goes to . . . Rocky IV. One day Lil’ Evil will wonder what all this Cold War fuss was about, and how it ended. And Evil will show the child Rocky IV, and verily the child shall acquire a new understanding of history. And also why his father always mutters “I must break you” apropos of nothing at the dinner table. Then we’ll watch Clue.


1986 Best Picture Winner: Platoon.
And the Eward goes to . . . Top Gun. To the Evil’s surprise, 1986 was by far the most Evilicious year of his movie-watching life. How to choose between such luminous celluloid masterpi as Big Trouble in Little China, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Highlander, ¡Three Amigos! and Little Shop of Horrors? But then Evil remembered—this list isn’t for him, it’s for Lil’ Evil. The child must be made to understand his father’s path through life. Some critics claim Wall Street best exemplifies the spirit of the ‘80s. Those people are wankers; Top Gun is that movie. No flick better exemplifies the military-industriogasmic, Star Warsy (the satellite lasers, not the trilogy), Reaganific spirit of the decade.


1987 Best Picture Winner: The Last Emperor.
And the Eward goes to . . . Predator. The third and greatest of the “watched it at least 50 times in the ‘80s” trifecta. Special consideration was given to Evil Dead 2 and The Princes Bride, but . . . “I ain’t got time to bleed.” . . . “This will make you a goddamn sexual tyrannosaurus.” . . . “You are one ugly muddafukka.” . . . “RUN!! GET TO DA CHOPPAH!” . . . what else is there to say? How about this:


1988 Best Picture Winner: Rain Man.
And the Eward goes to . . . Die Hard. So painful not to choose The Naked Gun, but . . . “Yippie kay ay, motherfucker?” And its legendary edited-for-television stepbrother: “Yippie kay ay, mister falcon?” Gotta be Die Hard.


1989 Best Picture Winner: Driving Miss Daisy.
And the Eward goes to . . . Batman. Sure, Heath Ledger single-handedly made this one seem at least a little ridiculous. But until Star Wars: Episode I came out ten years later, Evil was never more geeked to see a movie. And it’s still a pretty damned good flick. Kudos to Roadhouse and Weekend at Bernie’s, as well.

Tomorrow: 1990-1999.


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