an exciting new product: the skelematic adjustable


It was tough to find an image for this post . . . this’ll have to do.

Let’s consider an age-old problem from a modern perspective. Every one of us has, at some point in time, growled the following threat:

“I’ll grind your bones to powder.”

—Be it during a playground face-off, or stuck in the grocery line behind the old lady who insists on paying by check yet doesn’t begin writing until the total is rung up, or at a Brazilian football riot . . . you’ve said it. Evil has said it. The Vikings said it. Genghis Khan sho said it. We’re pretty sure Andre the Giant said it.


You lookin’ at me?

That’s pretty elite company. Problem is, none of these stalwarts have left any record of how exactly they made good on said threat.

Evil hears you mumbling: You’re kidding, right? Nothing at all? Hey, what can you say? History is teeming with ingenius devices of torture, ranging from such luminaries as the Iron Maiden to “deep cuts” like the Pear of Anguish. (That’s right, the Pear of Anguish.) But as for the grinding of bones, there doesn’t seem to be that one perfect instrument you fantasize about when someone cuts you off on the highway.

(Not that the Evil is into torture porn, understand. He finds the whole subject—and you, dear reader, by extension, for reading this far—appalling. This is the kind of porn Evil’s into. Yowza!)

Then there’s the more pressing problem of what to call this fantastic device. Clearly the most obvious answer—”The Bone-Grinder”—is right out. Sure, that might have played in 900 A.D., but since then both “bone” and “grind” have taken on more, shall we say, prurient connotations. Throw them together and you’ve got a product your average consumer would expect to look for at his or her local adult toy supercenter, not his or her local emporium du pain.

So what, then? Evil favors something along the lines of hyperoptimisitic, science! solves everything 1950s naivete . . . say, the “Skelematic Adjustable.” Make it so.

One last note. While doing the sketchy websurfing he calls “research”, Evil stumbled across this site, by far the most disturbing thing in this entire post. FOEs with children—would you let your little ones onto this site? What the hell?

Enjoy the weekend. If possible, don’t “eat a pear,” so to speak.


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