destroy all (mythical) monsters!

unicron

We begin with this picture of Unicron, the Orson Welles-voiced archvillain of 1986’s animated Transformers: The Movie. What does a nearly omnipotent robot/planetoid have to do with today’s subject matter? Nothing, really—other than the fact that “Unicron” is just two transposed letters away from spelling “Unicorn” . . . and that today’s concern is Evil, in which category both Unicron and unicorns emphatically fall.

Not actual unicorns, of course, but the idea of them. I’m not here to argue for or against the existence of unicorns. What concerns me is convincing you that horny horses shouldn’t exist, even if in fact they do.

That’s right: I’m here today to advocate the utter annihilation of a mythical species.

And that, on a brief tangent, is what really separates the National Evil from other bloggers. So many naïve fools while away their days wishing nonexistent creatures did in fact wander the Earth. “Wouldn’t it be cool,” you’ll hear them say, “if there really were centaurs?” No. No, no, and again: no.

Mythical creatures serve one of two purposes. One, as a foil to humanity, like, say, the minotaur or gorgon. Two, as a way to make us feel insignificant, not pretty enough, not in touch with nature, etc. See: the unicorn, the pegasus, the majestic centaur.

Notice a theme here?

Why are all the “pretty” mythical creatures based on horses? Why do we feel that horses have some mystical superiority to us? Have you spent much time around horses? They’re skittish, schizoid, half-ton beasts with wicked teeth and lethal hooves. Spooked into stampeding panic at the slightest provocation. And now you want to arm them with horns, wings, and—and—arms?

One suspects this has something to do with the common obsession young girls have with the equine set—in medical parlance, Catherine the Great Syndrome or “CGS.” CGS afflicts three out of five young women between the ages of four and sixteen, and symptoms often recur through menopause. It can be reasonably assumed that CGS was just as common in ancient, mythmaking societies as it is now and most certainly was in the eighteenth-century Russian Imperial Court.

So tell the Evil, ladies: were or are you afflicted with CGS? How has this impacted your life, especially vis-à-vis the wished-upon existence of unicorns? Science! demands an answer!

Enjoy the weekend. If possible, love up on an ungulate.

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