kill a man with your bare hands: step 8

Note: The following is an excerpt from Kill A Man With Your Bare Hands: An On-the-Go Guide To Achieving Nietzchian Supermanhood. Click here to find out more about this exciting self-help book!

Step 8: Live among mountain gorillas.

Hands up: who saw Peter Jackson’s 2005 King Kong remake? Remember the scene where Kong is gassed before being hauled off to NYC? As he collapses, grasping for his beloved Fay Wray, we see a close-up of haunted eyes crying, “Why? Why? Oh, the apemanity!” I have a friend who confesses to sobbing like a baby during this movie precisely because of those eyes, which Jackson cleverly stole from the cutest, most loyal dog in the whole wide world and transplanted onto the face of a giant silverback gorilla.

What does this have to do with your continuing quest to achieve supermanhood? Precisely this: in order to ascend beyond your mediocre you-ness, you must discard all the delusions fed to you by the sympathy-wrenching machinery of Hollywood.

Gorillas, o aspiring superman, do not have cute, yearning eyes. And even if they do, you mustn’t let that fool you as you take on Step 8: living among the mountain gorillas.

Observe: Lying sweet puppy eyes vs. . . .


Yearrrgh! The awful truth.


A difficult task indeed—most likely they will try to kill you. Most likely they will succeed. If you’ve ever watched a documentary about them, you know already how savagely moody ‘rillas are. If not . . . imagine Russell Crowe plopped down into a hotel lobby after a six-month steroid bender.


It isn’t difficult to see why so many people find distasteful the idea that we humans are closely related to these ill-tempered, territorial, paranoid, sulky, rip-your-arms-off-at-the-sockets man-beasts. (Though the National Evil finds distasteful the idea that he is closely related to said people.) At least chimps and orangutans and what-have-you are possessed of a certain feces-throwing joie de vivre.

(The brutality of gorillas also throws a nice, hambone-shaped wrench into the notion that vegetarianism is an inherently more peaceful ethos. And one more thing: if vegetarianism is so friendly, why is it called a salad shooter?)

If you manage to survive your initial meet-n-greet, by all means enjoy the Tarzanian pleasures of a life among the gorillas: you know, um . . . swinging through the jungle on a series of vines . . . dating the occasional misplaced blonde . . . the possibilities, though not quite endless, are at least delightfully, er, twofold.

Step 8(A): Usurp the silverback’s place.



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